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| CONTACT Latasha Matthews 678-585-1966 O 404-914-2521C 1840 Old Norcross Road, Suite 200 Lawrenceville, GA 30044 latasha@illuminationcc.com |
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| November 2014
Welcome to the November 2014 edition of The Family Playroom. This space has been designed to offer guidance and tips that will illuminate and ignite hope, laughter and purposeful living. |
| | How does your financial habits affect your marriage/relationship? |
| | One of the leading causes of divorce/separation in America is financial stress. Relentless bill collectors constantly calling and past due notices in the mailbox on a daily basis is enough to stress anyone out. Take that stress and multiply it by 2 and you have an overwhelming situation on your hands. Financial stress in relationships primarily come from differences in money management styles between the two individuals. A person’s spending habits and the way that they value money comes from the environment in which they were raised.
In order for financial issues to not be a source of argument between the couple; each individual needs to look at finances from a standpoint of ‘It’s not my way and your way, but it’s our way’. Each person has to be willing to have a conversation about how they will manage their finances and come to a consensus on the matter. If there is no discussion about how the couple will manage their finances then an argument is sure to ensue. It has been stated that couples who disagree and have an argument over money early in the relationship are more likely to get a divorce if they don’t come up with a plan to handle their finances.
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| o 3 ways to reduce financial stress in relationships:
1. Talk (not argue) about your finances.
Avoiding the issue and thinking it will go away is a surefire way to create trouble. Sit down and talk with your partner about your concerns and then in turn listen to understand their point of view. Repeat back to them what you heard to make sure that you receive clarity. Sometimes you may uncover deeper issues here like control and trust. It is very important to discuss finances before marriage. Talk about how each of you like to spend/save money. Also, decide up front how you will deal with the individual debt that you brought to the table. This is an important step to alleviating financial stress. Note: if your partner doesn't feel that they can trust you with their spending habits they'll lie and hide money; which will lead to other issues.
2. Chart your financial spending habits for a month and then review the chart. Look for, and discuss, areas of concern and then work together to create a feasible budget. Carry on from there based on how you decided to manage your finances during your conversation(s) from step ‘1.’
3. Be sure to save. No matter what, set aside a little cash on hand to stow away for emergencies only! (Define what constitutes as an emergency.) Also, be sure to save a little away for a yearly vacation. Your vacation doesn't have to be extravagant or even at a faraway place. Save the money and then find something to do (even if it’s a staycation in your own city) within the amount that you saved. It is important to get away from your normal routine (if even for one day) to rejuvenate.
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| | p When it’s all said and done, look over everything but don’t allow yourself to get stressed out. Do what you can with what you have and make the necessary adjustments. There will always be some things in your life that you can’t control and those are the things that you have to let go of. However, once you encounter those things that you can control, tackle them and move ahead. Financial stress is a heavy load to carry; but remember, any load is easier to carry when you have someone on the other side helping you to lift it up. So come together as a couple, carry the load and hang in there. |
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Who are you hurting? When it comes to divorce, everyone in the household is affected. Everyone Hurts. |
| Coming from a two –parent home with parents who have been married for 47 years I had the luxury of gaining insight from both parents. I never had to wonder if mom or dad loved me, I never asked the question, “will I see him/her again?” and I never wondered if we would have enough money to pay the bills. Those questions and many more go through the mind of children of divorced parents. Children of divorced parents often show up in my office as single adults and/or couples trying to sort out their life’s challenges. I’ve found that issues surrounding trust is a major challenge for individuals and couples alike. Unfortunately, many times these issues of trust stem from a person’s childhood experience surrounding their parent’s divorce.
This alarming discovery shows me that children who are not given the proper reasons and/or context surrounding a divorce will struggle with the unresolved aspects of the divorce as an adult. The clients I work with often feel abandoned, scared, and uneasy about talking to either or both of their parents about their feelings. These children experience enormous grief and loss around the termination of the relationship. So much so, that the children begin to blame themselves for the divorce.
My research on this topic led me to an insightful study conducted by Psychologist Judith Wallerstein. She followed a group of children of divorce parents from the 1970s into the 1990s. She interviewed them at 18 months following the divorce and then later at 5, 10, 15 and 25 years. Her expectation was to find that the children had ‘bounced back’ and recovered from the experience. But what she found was dismaying: Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict. Twenty-five years later!
The children in Wallerstein's study were especially challenged when they began to form their own romantic relationships. As Wallerstein explains,
- ""Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage . . . Anxiety leads many [adult children of divorce] into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.”
Other researchers confirm Wallerstein's findings. When compared to kids from intact home, children who experienced their parents’ divorce view premarital sex and cohabitation more favorably. This is disturbing news given that cohabiting couples have more breakups, greater risk of domestic violence, and are more likely to experience divorce.
Behind each of these statistics is a life – a child, now an adult, still coping with the emotions brought on by the divorce.
As Wallerstein put it, "The kids [in my study] had a hard time remembering the pre-divorce family . . . but what they remembered about the post-divorce years was their sense that they had indeed been abandoned by both parents, that their nightmare [of abandonment] had come true.”
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| | So what can parents do to help their child cope with the reality of divorce?
One of the first things the parents should consider, if divorce is the only option, is to develop a divorce plan for your family. Consider talking to your children together; this shows the child that you still love him or her and although you are no longer committed to work on the marriage you are still very committed to the relationship with the child. Secondly, develop a plan for family counseling and/or co-parenting counseling to help the family prepare for the transition prior to the divorce. This takes maturity from the adults and this act of planning must be very INTENTIONAL. Parents who are divorcing have lots of emotions surrounding the divorce, however the child has experiences and just as many emotions as well as unanswered questions like the parents do. Thirdly, ensure that you have given your child an option to talk to someone individually. (I recommend a therapist, divorce coach, school counselor, a trusted member at church, or a mentor). Make sure you have you have a good support system in place to help you and the child with the transition.
Should you find yourself in a position where you cannot work with your spouse during the divorce process due to violence, infidelity or some other tragic reason, know that you still have an option. The parent or primary guardian should take the lead on ensuring that the child has adequate services in place to meet his or her emotional needs during this transition.
Co-parenting is the best option for your child. Please seek professional help to assess how to manage this transition for you and your family. Their future relationships depend on it.
Here are some of the side effects that arise as a result of the divorce:
1. Problems in school
2. Anger outbursts
3. Paranoia, fearfulness, and/or attachment (clinginess) to one or both of the parents
4. Lack of sleep or excessive sleep
5. Withdrawal and isolation from friends and family
6. Lying and/or stealing
7. Problems in relationships
8. Drug and alcohol abuse and other risky behaviors
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| Activities to help your child cope with divorce:
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1. Drawing activity- use a white board for you and child to help you both express your feelings about divorceo
2. Identity books and games that help your child talk about divorce and the feelings surrounding divorce o
3. Journaling and writing about the process and transition is a helpful tool to help your child cope with divorce. |
| Community Partner Spotlight |
| In our effort to increase the wellbeing of our community we support various organizations that empower, enlighten, and elevate our communities at large; this month we highlight
L.E.A.A.D.S (Law Enforcement Agencies Assisting in the Development of Students)
What is L.E.A.A.D.S? It is a non-profit agency that helps in developing and mentoring troubled teens who would otherwise be arrested. They are taught through team building exercises and project-based learning. The teens participate in academic enrichment as well as recreational activities. L.E.A.A.D.S. also has an adult literacy program that offers G.E.D preparation.
This organization was founded 9 years ago by Mrs. Karen Foote (a doctoral degree candidate). She is a former law enforcement agent that saw that there was a need for change and help for the youth because they were arresting so many young boys and girls, primarily of African-American descent. She partners with the court system and probation officers in both Gwinnett and DeKalb counties in addition to local schools.
There is no fee to join this program, however, there is an interview and screening process that includes a questionnaire to access if they child qualifies for, and can benefit from the program. While there is no membership fee, the participants are required to pay for costs related to field trips.
As this organization continues to grow, there are many ways in which you can get involved. There are numerous opportunities to volunteer and donations of many kinds are welcomed. L.E.A.A.D.S. accepts donations such as clothing, money, time, books, computers, and any resources of help. Mrs. Foote saw an opportunity to give back and uplift a community and she acted upon it. Instead of ‘sitting on the sideline’ she decided to take action and assist those need. She witnessed the plight of countless troubled teens and summoned up the courage to make a difference so that other teens could be presented with a greater opportunity for success in life. Her Inspiration is Habakkuk 2:2-3.
Please See Mrs. Foote’s contact info below and don’t hesitate to contact her to find out how you too can make a difference in these young people’s lives. |
| Karen Foote, Doctoral Candidate CEO & Founder
L.E.A.A.D.S Learning Center of Gwinnett LLC
Law Enforcement Agencies Assisting in the Development of Students
Youth & Adult Literacy Programs
Academic Afterschool, mentoring, GED Prep,
Spring & Summer Enrichment Programs
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2140 McGee Rd., Suite #A3100
Snellville, Ga 30078
(770)286-3550
E.info@leaadsmemtorpro.org |
| | Illuminating Pathways Illumination C&C, LLC on the move about town |
| *A New Year, A New Beginning
Illuminationcc Will Kick of 2015 with a BANG! So be on the lookout for new and exciting things in the New Year. Please follow us on Facebook and check out our website for update and information.
*Coming Soon in 2015 Prepare-Enrich seminar
This seminar will involve learning new skills to work with couples considering marriage or couples wanting to enrich their marriage. During this interactive training attendees will learn to facilitate the Prepare-Enrich program through small group activities, insightful conversations and DVD/lecture format.
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