Living as a gay person in a conservative society can be tough. It's hard to be yourself and pursue your dreams when your family, friends and relatives hold prejudices against gay people. They might not understand or accept your true self. You might feel pressured to hide your identity, which can be stressful. That is what I am facing right now.
Hidden Truths: My Silent Struggle Through My Formative Years
I am ethnic Mon, and I was born in south Ye Township in Mon State. Growing up as the youngest son with a single father was a journey filled with love. My mom passed away when I was just nine months old, leaving my dad to guide me. When I was six, I felt unique. Unlike other boys, I didn't enjoy typical boyish things. Instead, I found joy in a diversity of interests and activities. My childhood self was a curious soul, exploring a world beyond usual gender norms, embracing what made me happy. However, my family doesn't understand the concept of being gay or gender identity.
When I was in primary school and later in middle school, I began to feel like I didn't quite fit in with the other boys. This led to many challenges. I vividly remember a time when an older boy, two years my senior, grabbed my bag and tossed it into a pile of cow dung. He called me hurtful names like "fag”. On another occasion, he demanded to see my answer paper during an exam. When I refused, he waited for me at the school gate after class, attempting to kick me. He threatened me, saying that if I told a teacher, he would make things worse.
As a child, I was scared to confide in teachers or my family about these incidents. I felt like I had to hide my true self because my family expected me to conform to normative standards of masculinity. They repeatedly told me to "act like a boy" and "behave like a boy”. This pressure to fit into a certain mold made me keep many things hidden, even though I desperately wanted to share my feelings and struggles with them.
As a high school student at the age of 15, I felt immense pressure because I was gay. I had to choose to hide my true self and pretend to be straight. This meant putting on a façade and pretending that I was strong, even when I was hurting inside. There were times when I cried in secret, wondering why I was gay and how I became this way. During this period, I began to experience trauma and isolation, facing discrimination from some of the boys in my class.
As a human being, it's only natural to fall in love. However, when I fell for another boy, it presented a whole new set of challenges. I was terrified that my friends would find out that I was gay, so I kept my feelings a secret. One-sided love is a difficult path to walk. You can't express your love openly, and you don't have the right to be with the person you love. I had to maintain my silence because I felt different, and it was painful to hide my true self throughout my time in high school, right up until I completed the eleventh grade.
