The Vicious Circle: Self-Blame to Burnout

Societal and self-constructed standards are too high for most of us. The burnout rates across the globe have reached pandemic levels. We face daily chronic pressure and judgment that’s only exacerbated by a sense of unworthiness. As long as these standards and comparisons are applied and we accept their measure as our truth, then shame and self-blame are the go-to control mechanism. This judgment obscures our ability to view our lives from a wider perspective, and self-blame is our go to.

Fortunately, this does not have to be the end of the story. We have a built-in safety value in our nervous system. We can hack the limbic looping, loosening blame’s grip thus shifting our identity. It does take dedication and vigilance, and the results are worth the effort.

So, how do we begin?

Hack: Release Yourselves from Self-Blame

First, it’s important to note you didn’t sign up to repeatedly inflict self-blame upon yourselves. Do you catch yourself saying, “Oh, that’s a familiar story. Its my fault.” Identifying cyclical thoughts and self-defeating beliefs is the first step. As you recognize this conditioning, you will begin to see how repeating the pattern creates chronic blame. It is critical to begin separating the stories and see each experience for its own merits.

The key is to become aware of the story in real-time before blame arrives. Shine a light on it with curiosity instead of condemnation. Pause and re-frame the belief.

The following exercise, is inspired by psychologist and mindfulness teacher, Tara Brach, it helps loosen the grip of self-blame:

 1. Identify a situation today when you felt the clench of self-blame.

Visualize it and ask:

 ◦ What stories am I telling myself?

 ◦ How am I relating to what’s going on?

 ◦ How am I talking to myself?

 ◦ Where am I harsh and judgmental?

 ◦ Where am I impatient and demeaning?

 ◦ How does this make me feel?

 2. Allow everything to be as it is.

Refrain from criticism of the thoughts and feelings that arise. Stay with them and investigate what comes up for you. Is there a memory, a color, a feeling, etc.? Try to stay out of problem-solving mode. We must be able to feel what’s underneath, to resolve it.

 3. Identify and contact the fear, the guilt, the feelings of being flawed and notice where you sense it most in your body.

There may be a squeeze or clench in the shoulders, throat, heart, or gut region. You may experience a hollow sensation or a sinking feeling. Check it out for yourself.

 4. Decide how you want to be with that place of hurt? 

Instead of shooting the second arrow, can you allow yourself to be compassionate toward it, and yourself? What does this place need from you?

Journaling these questions will help you see the cycle clearly and recognize where your thoughts are leading you astray.