| Save My Marriage Today 6 Part Mini-Course! - Day 6 Mini course – 6: |
|
Welcome to the Save My Marriage Today6-part mini-course on the 6 Most Common Reasons for Divorce... and How to Stop Them Happening to You!! In this sixth and final part of the mini-course, you're going to learn about one of the most commonly cited reasons for divorce: "We just grew apart."
Amy Waterman
co-author of Save My Marriage Today!
|
|
|
|
Growing Apart - Keep It From Happening To You
What is "Growing Apart," Anyway?
In Part 1, I told you that marriages either grow or weaken. If you put no effort into your marriage, you're not maintaining it: you're letting it deteriorate.
Similarly, all the time you're either growing apart or growing together. If you are not communicating, not touching, and not spending time together, then you are growing apart.
It's amazing how few people really know their spouse. Do you know who your spouse's biggest role model is? Do you know the one book or CD your partner would want to have if he or she were stranded on a deserted island? Do you know what his or her favorite color is? Do you know exactly what your spouse does at work?
Getting to know someone truly, inside and out, takes effort. Most of us prefer learning more about our own preferences, opinions, and ideas than those of our spouse. Yet a strong marriage is one where both individuals make an effort to find out what is going on inside their spouse's head. They appreciate, understand, and respect that information.
Growing together means sharing together. It doesn't mean thinking alike, or avoiding conflicts, or not having disagreements. It doesn't mean that neither of you ever changes. Growth, by definition, is change. A healthy marriage is one in which both people mature and change their ideas, perspectives, and plans. The trick is to share those changes openly and honestly with your spouse as they occur.
When you grow together, you share what you're thinking, feeling, and hoping for. You don't remain the same person that your spouse met. Instead, you find new hobbies, new passions, and new jobs that keep your life exciting and always surprising. Even when your new direction seems to lead in an opposite direction from your spouse, it is usually just old perceptions that makes it seem that way.
Spouses can be resistant to changes in their partner, because they see it as a sign that their partner is dissatisfied with things as they are. Reassure your spouse. Whatever new direction you take, you need to involve your spouse fully and ensure that nothing will cut into your couple time.
Changes are frightening, but when there is communication, honesty, and willingness to compromise at every step of the way, change can be an enormously positive thing.
Let's look at the example of Joan and Michael. For the first five years of their marriage, Joan stayed at home while Michael worked. She found herself gaining weight, getting bored, and listening enviously to her single girlfriends about their adventurous jobs and experiences.
At first, she blamed it on her marriage. Then, a frank friend reminded her that her marriage vows didn't include a promise to do the same thing 'til death do you part. That night, she told Michael that she wanted to go back to work and try a three-month subscription to a gym. He was horrified.
He thought it meant that she wasn't happy with how he provided for the family, and that the only reason she could possibly want to go to the gym was to look good for another man. They had a huge argument, and Michael forbade Joan to go job-hunting. The stress in their marriage was at a breaking point.
It took the intervention of their pastor before Joan and Michael could sit down and discuss their feelings without getting upset. Joan told Michael that she needed to keep growing and trying more out of life, but that she wanted to do it with him, not without him.
Michael confessed that he worried that Joan would meet someone new if she started working outside the home. Their pastor encouraged both of them to continue talking openly and honestly and involve each other as their life changed.
As a result, Michael decided to join the gym along with Joan. Joan's new job gave both of them much more to talk about in the evenings, and their communication improved. Too, the extra income gave them more money to go out and do activities that they enjoyed.
Ultimately, the change that Michael feared actually strengthened their marriage.
Michael and Joan learned some valuable lessons.
(1) When one partner suggests a change, the other partner often feels indirectly criticized, thinking that the other person means that status quo is not good enough. Reassuring your partner is essential during this tough time.
(2) Sometimes it takes professional help (such as a pastor or marriage counselor) to get you talking about how you really feel.
(3) Any change that can be undertaken mutually (such as both Michael and Joan joining the gym) is better than a change that can only be undertaken individually.
Are We Incompatible?
When both partners don't communicate or share life changes, they can wake up one day and find themselves sleeping next to a stranger. The question is whether those differences are enough to break your marriage apart or just right to add the spice to your marriage.
You didn't marry your partner to get a carbon copy of yourself. Chances are that the differences between you and your partner sparked your interest and made each one of you fascinating to the other.
If he's artistic and you're analytic, or you're impulsive and he's rational, you are likely to be complementary personality types who bring out the best in each other.
Major incompatibilities involve more fundamental areas, like your values, goals, and vision for your marriage. If you and your partner differ significantly in your upbringing, the importance you place on family, and your need for and ability to express physical affection, you may have a more difficult time accepting and negotiating your differences.
This is why cross-cultural relationships can be so challenging. If your partner is from a significantly different culture from your own, you will need to be extremely open, understanding, and flexible in how you approach resolving marital issues.
Here are some other areas where significant differences (note: not all differences are significant) can prove challenging:
- Differences in the importance you assign to religion, work, family, free time, children, and money.
- Differences in how you spend, save, and manage money.
- Differences in your ideas about whether you should have children and how many. If you have children already, differences in your ideas on how to raise them.
- Differences in how often you prefer sex and the kind of sex you enjoy.
- Differences in your bio-rhythms (such as whether you're a morning person or a night owl).
- Differences in your expectations about gender roles.
- Differences in the types of friends you enjoy.
- Differences in how you prefer to spend your spare time.
If you are at the point in your marriage where you think that you and your partner have become completely incompatible, it is worthwhile to invest in a marriage counselor. Counseling is much cheaper than a divorce and provides a neutral environment where both partners feel comfortable opening up and examining their true feelings.
The Importance of Reading Your Partner:
After living with someone for a long period of time, we learn a lot about their moods, their facial expressions, and the subtle nuances of communication that a stranger would not be able to pick up. All of us know that nonverbal communication is much more powerful than the words we say, but in a marriage situation partners tend to play a "war of words" rather than realizing what's really going on.
Try the following game. At least six times during the day, look at your partner and try to guess what emotion he or she is feeling. Don't base your guess on his or her words. If possible, pick a time when neither of you are saying anything.
Notice his or her lips: are they clenched, relaxed, upturned, or tight? Notice the eyes: are they narrowed, focused, sleepy, open? Notice clues in posture (stiff, slumped, relaxed) and how he or she holds his or her arms (crossed in front, loose at sides, on lap).
Compile a list of your partner's emotional expressions in your mind so that eventually you'll be able to tell how your partner is feeling just by looking at him or her.
By reading your partner's mood before he or she says anything, you'll develop a more intimate bond and move closer to the marital "mind-reading" that long-term couples develop after years and years together.
You'll be able to respond to your partner's moods in an appropriate way rather than expecting your partner's mood to match your own.
The ability to recognize your partner's emotions without verbal cues will help you meet your partner's emotional needs in a way that would be impossible if you just went by what your partner said. Often, your partner will say one thing but be feeling another.
This is not because your partner is lying to you; it may be because your partner wants to deny his or her feelings to him or herself. It may also because your partner hasn't recognized that emotion in him or herself.
Don't make the mistake of believing that you know your partner better than he or she knows him- or herself, but do use your instincts wisely to be there more fully for your partner.
If you think that your partner is worried, upset, or tense, set the stage for your partner to feel comfortable sharing with you using the techniques you learned in Part 4. Tell your partner that you noticed they seemed tired or upset and ask them if they want to talk about it.
If they don't, that's okay. Just remind them that you're there in case they feel like talking about anything.
If we ourselves are tired or upset, sometimes the last thing we want to do is notice that our partner is tired or upset, too. Our own emotions can make us blind to the emotions of our partner. That's why it's so important that you develop the skill of "reading" how your partner feels.
Once you become accustomed to doing it, you won't be able to turn your new "eyeglasses" off. You'll read your partner's feelings whether you want to or not.
Mid-Life Crises:
A mid-life crisis occurs when a person reaches middle age and suddenly rethinks the priorities and life decisions that they've made thus far. They may make a complete and drastic change in their life, swinging 180 degrees from who they were before, in an attempt to take advantage of the second half of their life before it's too late.
They may feel a desperate panic to discover something they think they've missed and, as a result, give up everything they've achieved thus far--stable job, marriage, family--for an amorphous "something" that they think they can't get with the life they have now.
Many marriages end during this time. Affairs skyrocket as spouses seek reassurance that they're still physically attractive. It is a trial for any marriage, and navigating through it will require all of the communication, love, and intimacy skills you possess.
Understanding what is happening is the first goal. If your spouse can recognize that he or she may be struggling with a mid-life crisis, your spouse has taken the first step towards minimizing the damage that the crisis can cause.
I recommend personal counseling at this time so that your spouse can discuss his or her priorities, regrets about the past, and how he or she envisions the future.
Being flexible and playing along with your spouse's need for novelty may help. Suggest lifestyle changes that will satisfy your spouse's need for a change in priorities without abandoning your marital lifestyle altogether. Allow your spouse to talk openly, even if what he or she says is critical of the life you have shared together.
The more your spouse can share his or her thoughts and feelings, the closer he or she will feel to you as the only one who understands what he or she is going through. Although this will be a difficult time for you, it is even more difficult for your spouse, so be understanding.
There's no "magic bullet" for keeping marriages together during the mid-life crisis, but the stronger and healthier your relationship is before it hits, the more "armor" you have to protect it.
What Does It Take to Stay Together?
A strong and healthy marriage requires effort, dedication, and commitment. If you're really serious about making the investment, there's no better way to start than by getting the information you need to save your marriage.
This mini-course has given you an idea of some of the places where you can start, but there is only so much you can say in six days. If you're really serious about saving your marriage, you need practical exercises and in-depth analyses of where your marriage might be going wrong.
You'll find that and much more in my book, Save My Marriage Today! For more details, click on the link below.
http://www.savemymarriage.in
|
|
|
|
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!
That's a basic covering of all the issues and facts surrounding reasons for divorce and how to stop that happening to you and your marriage. If you pay attention to these facts and tips you will be less likely to become a divorce statistic, and you will be much better prepared to meet the challenges of marriage as you grow old together.
WELL DONE!
You now know more about why marriage problems really occur. You know where to start to take action to save your marriage and stop the pattern of negative behavior that threatens to destroy it.
But I need to be really honest with you.
There is a lot more to learn if you are going to be prepared for every eventuality that your marriage is going to present. I have discovered lots of ideas and techniques over the last few years counseling all sorts of couples with marriage problems, and every day I learn a little bit more. You can too.
I recently put some of this groundbreaking information together into a package of e-books as well as a collection of articles. All you have to do is download the books onto your computer and sit down and begin reading and learning. And if you don't want to sit at the computer and do it, you can print the books off and take them with you!
The Save My Marriage Today package covers all of the most common and most serious problems that can plague your marriage, and offers tested solutions that have delivered real benefits for couples in crisis.
Not only is the material in this package enlightening, I also get you involved, and get you to apply the concepts to your marriage through a series of set exercises. This package is more than just a good read... it gets you to think clearly and rationally about your problem and it gets you to take action.
Here's what some of my satisfied customers had to say about the package after reading it and applying it to their marriage problems:
"I was a little bit skeptical in the beginning and the reason is we've tried 2 different marriage counselors already and I've already read numerous other books on the subject. There wasn't anything I could seem to do.
However after using your book and following the exercises you set out, I have been seeing significant results with our marriage situation. And I'm a whole lot happier in myself. My friends and family are very glad to see that I'm back to my old self again! Fingers crossed it all continues."
-- Ianessa Gorerro, Huntington Beach, USA
You can learn more about this package at:
http://www.SaveMyMarriage,in
Want to Know More Ways To Rescue Your Marriage?
Make sure that you don't leave anything to chance. Get Save My Marriage Today and learn every last detail on what it takes to turn your marriage problems around and recreate the loving marriage that you always dreamed of. With our help, it is possible to rescue any marriage!
You can be on your way to repairing your marriage within minutes. Simply go to:
www.SaveMyMarriage.in
and get back your marriage today!
Yours in marriage success!
Amy Waterman
co-author of Save My Marriage Today!
|
|
|
|
About "Save My Marriage Today"
The "Save My Marriage Today" course is a comprehensive collection of marriage rebuilding tools designed to assist troubled couples in turning around the negative patterns of behavior that exist in their marriages.
We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behavior. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team.
Visit www.savemymarriage.in
I am sure that we can help with any problem that you may have in your marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
|
