Getting Touchy Feely with Your Partner

by Amy Waterman

According to Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, "The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success." It's not the differences in opinions and preferences that matter; what matters is how those differences are dealt with and resolved.

This requires strong communication skills, skills that few couples develop before it's too late. Once a marriage has broken down, neither partner feels inclined to communicate or open up to the other person.

Markman's solution is to teach constructive arguing techniques before a couple marries, but that doesn't help the millions of couples out there with advanced marital problems.

Are You a Good Communicator?

If, as Markman claims, 30% to 50% of couples are mutually abusive, or respond to verbal or emotional abuse with like abuse, then it's little wonder that so many marriages are dysfunctional. Do you have any negative communication patterns or attitudes? Check any that fit you from the list below.

- I act defensively when my spouse brings up any criticism of me or our marriage.

- I always have to be right,

- I always talk about the negative side of things; it's more realistic.

- I avoid conflict by turning off emotionally.

- I blame my spouse if it is his or her fault.

- I bring up the past in arguments.

- I criticize my spouse in front of others.

- I don't ask for what I want directly. If my spouse loved me, he or she would read my mind.

- I don't believe that I have to do everything I promise to do.

- I don't have to be respectful to my spouse. We're married, so we can treat each other as we like.

- I don't share everything with my spouse and keep my feelings to myself.

- I don't tell my spouse everything. Secrets are okay.

- I find it difficult to say, "I'm sorry."

- I find it hard to wait to speak until my spouse has finished talking.

- I let conflicts last for days or sometimes months.

- I mock or ridicule my spouse.

- I never forget anything my spouse has done to me.

- I often find myself raising my voice when I disagree with my spouse.

- I often talk over my spouse.

- I resent my spouse for comments that he or she has made in the past.

- I tease my spouse in ways that my spouse finds upsetting.

- I want to win every argument, not reach a solution.

- I'm afraid that sharing my most personal thoughts with my spouse will allow him or her to abuse them (such as by ridiculing me or by sharing them with others).

- If my spouse misinterprets what I said, I get angry.

- If something that my spouse does bothers me, we have an argument about it.

- My attention often wanders when my spouse is talking to me.

- My spouse is too sensitive to what I say.

- When I don't feel like talking about something, I end up getting angry.

- When my spouse doesn't know anything about a topic, I let him or her know it.

- When we have an argument, I often end up yelling, crying, or storming out of the house. It is hard to create an environment of positive, loving communication when you've never experienced that kind of environment yourself. People who grew up in dysfunctional families with negative communication patterns often find themselves falling into those same behaviors themselves when they get married.

Nevertheless, bad communication can destroy a marriage. 

If you can...

- Replace criticism with praise,

- Replace accusations with attempts at understanding,

- Replace talking with listening,

- Replace defensiveness with openness, and

- Replace silence with sharing,

...you'll be amazed at the difference it makes in your marriage.

Getting Your Spouse to Open Up Again

Often, both partners in a marriage want to be perceived as "tough." They don't want to give in first. They want to show their partner that they don't need him or her. As a result, the communication gap grows wider.

Neither person will confess what it is that is worrying them. Mistrust fills the gaps created by silence. Soon, differences feel irreconcilable.

They aren't.

If you want to get your spouse to open up and break the silence barrier, there are a few things you need to do.

Often, the reason that your spouse isn't talking is because he or she doesn't want to create conflict by confessing their feelings. We all have negative feelings about our spouse or our relationships from time to time. In many marriages, partners zip their lip and say nothing, repressing their feelings until resentment seeps through.

In other marriages, partners react angrily towards their spouse and express their feelings through criticism and verbal abuse. Neither option makes for a healthy marriage.

Even if your spouse isn't saying anything to you, chances are that he or she has a lot to say. It's just that your spouse doesn't know how to bring it up, is afraid of your reaction, or doesn't think it is worth the effort to share with you.

You can get your spouse to open up to you again by creating an environment in which he or she feels comfortable talking. 

Tactics not to try include:

- Demanding that your spouse tell you what's wrong or why they won't talk.

- Accusing your partner of giving you the silent treatment.

- Getting angry at them for not contributing their part to the conversation.

- Feeling resentful that they're making life difficult for you.

Instead, what you need to do is:

1. Practice your own listening skills. Instead of filling in the silences with chatter, allow those silences to remain. Often, one spouse compensates for another's lack of speech by talking too much. Your partner may feel that you never give him or her a chance to speak because you're always talking.

2. Cultivate an attitude of non-judgmental acceptance. This means that you unconditionally love and accept your partner, no matter what he or she says. If you often respond defensively or critically when your partner shares his or her thoughts and feelings, you are actually punishing your partner for opening up to you.

If your partner tries to open up, acknowledge his or her comments to show that you are listening, but refrain from adding your own opinion until you've heard everything that he or she has to say.

Sometimes, we just need to be heard, and it feels better knowing that our partner has listened to us all the way through without criticizing or condemning us.

3. Learn how to apologize and mean it. One apology, meant sincerely, goes a long way. When your partner shares a concern or problem that he or she is having with your marriage, don't resort to an angry retort. Listen carefully, without criticism or a knee-jerk self-defense.

If you are too upset to think clearly, tell your partner that you appreciate hearing about his or her concern, but that you need time to think it over. If you come to the conclusion that what your partner has told you has some truth in it, apologize clearly and directly.

Instead of muttering, "I'm sorry," look at your partner in the eyes and tell him or her, "I am sorry for X. I am sorry for having made you feel like you did."

By telling him or her in your own words what you're sorry for - in other words, what you did or said that made your partner feel hurt - you show your partner that you really do understand.

4. Making opening up to one another a positive experience. It may sound wishy-washy or fuzzy, but verbally thanking one another for sharing thoughts and feelings is valuable positive reinforcement. A hug after a difficult conversation can make all the difference.

It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with your partner; what matters is that you show your partner that you really do care about his or her feelings and opinions. Every time your partner shares something, no matter how little, express your gratitude.

Tell your partner, "I'm glad I know that you like that/feel that way/believe that. I like knowing more about you. It makes me feel closer to you."

How to Argue:

Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. In my book, Save My Marriage Today, I give you a number of techniques designed to teach you healthier conflict resolution. Today, I'll just outline the most basic ground-rules for arguments. Discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together.

1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated. If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.

2. Avoid assigning blame. Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel.

3. Be honest. Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.

4. Don't take things personally. When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.

5. Focus on resolving the issue--not winning the argument. Think negotiation, not competition.

6. If your spouse hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain yourself.

7. No bringing up hurtful events from the past. Stay in the present.

8. No going to sleep on an argument.

9. No name-calling.

10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.

The Silent Poison: Resentment:

When hurt piles upon hurt, it is easy to feel as you and your spouse are in a competition where the more you can hurt the other person, the more points you get. This is a dangerous and deadly way to think of conflicts.

As your marriage continues to crumble, you'll begin to feel more comfortable thinking about your spouse in terms of resentment, blame, and disappointment rather than in terms of love, forgiveness, and teamwork.

Every negative feeling that you have about your spouse builds and builds, even if you don't act out on those feelings. Unless you do something about those negative feelings, you will find yourself becoming more and more resentful of your spouse and his or her ability to make your life unpleasant.

There are several things you can do. I suggest consciously counteracting every negative feeling with positive acts of love, affection, and respect. You should also learn how to talk to your partner about your feelings in a neutral, non-accusatory, calm way. This is extraordinarily difficult and will take a long time to master.

Negative feelings expressed in anger or as a knee-jerk reaction grow and become worse. If you can learn to express your negative feelings neutrally with the express purpose of finding some way to resolve them, you may find that they dissipate with the mere act of sharing them.

There's Much More to Learn:

In this lesson, you've learned about the importance of communication and some danger zones to avoid. I explain much, much about communication and conflict resolution in my book, Save My Marriage Today! For more information, click on the link below:

http://www.savemymarriage.in 

Tomorrow, you're going to learn how lack of commitment to a marriage can sabotage it ... and how to get your marriage back on track. 

That's all for now. Until next time!

Want to Know More Ways To Rescue Your Marriage?

Make sure that you don't leave anything to chance. Get Save My Marriage Today and learn every last detail on what it takes to turn your marriage problems around and recreate the loving marriage that you always dreamed of. With our help, it is possible to rescue any marriage!

You can be on your way to repairing your marriage within minutes. Simply go to:

www.savemymarriage.in 

and get back your marriage today!

Yours in marriage success!

Amy Waterman

co-author of Save My Marriage Today!

About "Save My Marriage Today"

The "Save My Marriage Today" course is a comprehensive collection of marriage rebuilding tools designed to assist troubled couples in turning around the negative patterns of behavior that exist in their marriages. 

We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behavior. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team.

Visit www.savemymarriage.in