One secret to attracting and making a great relationship stick is that you must stop throwing yourself pity parties about yourself and the relationship.
Self pity IS the enemy.
It’s not actually anything another person is doing or not doing.
And look, I know that people do annoying, disappointing and downright painful stuff all the time.
But how you feel about it is an inside job that has a lot to do with how attractive you end up being to everyone around you.
Self pity is a huge love block that gets in the way of most people having the love they want.
Because this is an email and not a whole book on the subject-- stoicism, reduced emotionality and certainty are your friends.
Self-indulgent wallowing in negative emotions is the enemy.
And it’s not for some airy-fairy “hug yourself in the mirror in the morning” reason-- even though, if you like that kind of thing, knock yourself out. I support anything that helps you feel good.
It’s because people who are down on themselves are deeply unattractive.
Animals (we’re animals) are turned off by other animals that are sick. And heartsickness is not nicknamed that by accident.
A weird quirk of humans is that we often act as though feeling and sharing a lot of negative emotion will magically attract someone else. I think this is left over from the human desire to comfort someone when they’re hurting.
But comfort is not specifically sexy or attractive.
That’s why one of the most common first recommendations in dating is to start acting cool.
But that doesn’t make you FEEL cool, right?
"Faking it till you make it" is a really good idea in a partner or date’s presence.
But faking it doesn’t bring true happiness-- as anyone who has run into their ex at the grocery store and then wanted to puke in a trash can afterward has noticed. Maybe that last one is just me ;).
Anyway, actually feeling better is the key to everything, but I know that if you're feeling bad or bitter, telling you to "buck up and feel better" is not helpful advice.
Negotiating WITH your feelings gets you nowhere. Your thoughts hold the key to that door.
You feel how you feel (for now).
But if feelings were permanent, we’d all be having scream-cry fits 24/7 because we got stuck there at 0 years old.
The way adults keep negative feelings going and make them into self-perpetuating, awful badness is to keep focusing on the negative about their relationship situation (whatever the circumstances actually are). It's by throwing the pity party about how bad everything is.
Luckily, feelings move through and pass.
Your thoughts are the key to everything. And self-pitying ones must be the first ones to go.
You do this by dragging yourself OFF the negative and onto something even slightly positive, even though it might feel tiny.
Attractiveness starts in the thoughts you think. Both about yourself and who you are interested in attracting.
Talk soon,
Elizabeth
