“The Stooges Save the Economy”

A sketch in one act, written in misery and performed in Ottawa

Scene opens: Parliament Hill, which has been hastily turned into a vaudeville stage.

Moe (Mark Carney):
"Alright, you mugs. We’re gonna fix inflation, balance the budget, and restore dignity to Parliament. And I don’t wanna hear any monkey business!"

Curly (Donald Trump):
“Nyyyaaahh! I’ve already fixed the economy. I just told everyone it was perfect. Boom—done. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it! Woo woo woo!” (spins in circle, slaps own face)

Larry (Pierre Poilievre):
“Uh, boss, uh... do we do that before or after we fire the Bank of Canada and convert everything to Dogecoin?”

Moe (Carney):
Whack! (Slaps Larry with a rolled-up G7 communiqué.)
“Wise up, Larry! You can't run a country on slogans and stunts!"

Curly (Trump):
“Ow! Hey! I invented slogans! ‘Make Canada Gravy Again!’ Let’s build a wall around Toronto! Very classy wall. With a golf course!”

Larry (Poilievre):
“Hey Moe, I wrote a whole speech about freeing the economy with common sense and apple pie. Should I post it now or after I yell at a CBC intern?”

Moe (Carney):
"Quiet, porcupine! The last time you used 'common sense,' you tried to fix inflation with TikTok videos."

Curly (Trump):
“TikTok is Chinese. I banned it. Twice. Maybe. Who knows?”
Pokes Larry in the eyes. Misses. Pokes himself instead.
"Nyuk nyuk nyuk..."

Moe:
Grabs both by the ears.
“Alright, you knuckleheads! We’re going to pass a budget, lower emissions, and explain basic economics—WITHOUT yelling, tweeting, or blaming Greta Thunberg!”

Larry & Curly, in unison:
“…Too late.”

(Curtain falls as all three trip over a giant stack of unapproved Senate bills.)

Moral of the story?

When these three get together, the real joke is on the public—and it’s not even that funny anymore.

 But hey, at least we know how to run a telescope shop.

Happy Sunday,

—Ray