(please remember, this scene is unedited and unpolished)
Scene: Shade has just seen the tape of the first murder. In this version, the Vanguard played a larger part, and Andy is now in their custody.
Andy took one look at my face, and then leaned back in his chair. “You saw the tape.”
And just like that, I knew the memory loss was a lie too. He remembered that night just fine. Had always remembered.
I thought it couldn’t hurt any more than that. I was wrong.
Andy shook his head. “I thought it would be hard to lie to you. But it wasn’t. It was so easy.”
His words drove through flesh and blood, sailing straight into my heart with all the finesse of a well-aimed arrow. I made a choking sound, and he shook his head.
“I don’t even feel guilty. I want to. But I don’t.”
And just like that, some of the fury, some of the rage, that had been seething inside of me ever since I heard Siobhan’s name spurted up, splashed into my voice. “Why?” I whispered, staring down at him. “Why did you lie to me?” I took a step forward, making him tilt his head to look up at me. “I would have helped no matter what.”
“I know. I wish you hadn’t.”
He leaned forward until he could reach his head with his bound hands, shoved his hair back from his face. It was strange to see him with mussed hair. Like he was a different person. Jekyll and Hyde.
“I told Mac Tyre I’d confess as long as no one told you about the corruption.” This time when he looked at me, there was pain in his eyes. Real pain. “I just didn’t want you to think about me like that. Not for what little time we had left.”
“You killed Raichel,” I said numbly. “You saw that Mickey wasn’t a kid. You shot her anyway.”
Andy leaned back again. “Yeah.”
Tears slid down my face. “Why?”
“Because I was so angry.” He closed his eyes. “I’ve always been angry, but after Lorelei… I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. None of the ways I learned to control it were working like they used to. I kept watching the kelpies, and I know Siobhan was messing with me. Taunting me. But I knew, I knew that if I stopped watching, she’d kill a kid just to torture me. And when I realized the jockey wasn’t a kid, realized that she was just going to keep pushing me, and pushing me…” He opened his eyes. “I snapped. And I’m not sorry.”
I cried. The tears poured down my face, blurring the image of Andy. I cried and I didn’t care.
“Andy, I’m so sorry. I never should have—”
“No.” He shook his head. “No, don’t you dare blame yourself. This is who I am, Shade. This is who I’ve always been. Who I was always going to be.”
I sobbed.
“Shit.” He sat up and tried to reach for me, was stopped by the manacles. “Shade, come here.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t have time.”
Andy frowned. “What do you mean you don’t have time?”
“I have six hours left.”
“Shade… Shade, it’s over. It’s over and it’s okay. It’s for the best. Siobhan is only going to do what I deserve. I’m fine with it. Really. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” I closed my eyes, let the hot tears wash my face. The pain in my heart tightened and hardened into a ball of pure ice as I turned my back. “But it will be.”
