Dr. Marshal Rosenberg on NVC
Do you struggle to communicate? Find yourself arguing or losing your temper when you just want to be heard? Feel misunderstood?
Well Dr. Rosenberg's excellent life's work on NVC may open some new doors for you.
If you are wondering how to communicate when things get heated -- whether you should heat up to match the challenge or tone down and really come from the heart - the NVC strategies may show you a route that may prove life changing.
Marshall Rosenberg a Psychologist at the forefront of the work on NVC worked for years on strategies to help people communicate with the goal of respectful conflict resolution and the peaceful exchange of ideas.
From the Center for Non-violent communication website...
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another.
While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.
A heart based approach to relating to others, frees us up to be less goal oriented and more focused on the connection that exists between us as human beings.
Rather than striving it is an opening for relating that encourages an intention of heart based communication.
So of course, you can use specific types of response sequences but truly being connected to yourself and others while relating is the absolute guide!
Here is a great approach adapted from Zoath & Alowan (2016) New Tribe Training "Conflict Exploration Process"
Here is the 7 step process:
- Set a Safe Space: Ask for Permission as a starting point. If there is something you want someone to hear then ask them if they would be willing to listen to something you want to share. This makes you the "Initiator" and the person agreeing the "listener"
- Detail: State the facts just as you recall they occurred without any interpretation. This is difficult to learn to do right away and it will be helpful to have someone model the practice initially. For example, instead of staying "it was mean of you to take away my plate before I was finished" ... TRY "I had not finished eating when you took away my plate". Got it? Just speak about what exactly occurred.
- Feelings: Share the emotion connected to the Detail you outlined. These should be basic emotions such as I am feeling sad, mad, scared, shame, etc. The listener's job is to listen with an open-heart. Noticing personal reactions, if there are any without interrupting the Initiator.
- Reminds me of: The Initiator can now find an interpretation. It is generally helpful to find a time in the past when you remembered having a similar feeling. For example, "I remember my brother always getting more attention at dinner time and my needs being ignored"... "I guess it made me feel bad like that". Can you notice how the past can charge a current moment with strong emotion?
- Needs: Now that the initiator has shared detail, feelings and remembrances that charge the current moment, it is time to make a current request or state a need. This has to be as practical as possible. "In the future, please ask if you want to remove my plate". Rather than "I need you to know better". Which just puts the listener into an impossible situation where they have to read minds.
- Response: The Listener then takes the time to rephrase what they heard the need / request was and to check if this accurately reflects what was said. For example, "You would like me to ask if you are finished with your food before I remove your plate in the future?" ... "Is that correct?" If the Listener did not capture it correctly they can ask the Initiator to rephrase and then try again until both feel heard. It might be necessary for the roles to switch now as the Listener may now have some own needs that are unmet. If you initiate a process, always keep in mind that it is a great opportunity to deepen a relationship but requires a two-way willingness.
Season 4 Episode 16 |
