The healing processes of my life have been perpetual ever since I gave my first big “yes” to Jesus in spring of 2020 to become a Catholic missionary at Damascus. With every “yes” that followed, there came more healing. Healing from broken relationships, healing from anger and despondency, healing from wounded obedience! To the point my “yes” was becoming more radical and trusting.
Which brought me to my romantic relationship I had with a sweet and pure man this past summer. All of a sudden I felt the Lord remove His blessing from the relationship, so I took a huge leap of faith and ended the relationship out of pure trust in Jesus’ voice. Ultimately in saying “no” to this path that was full of life, love, and potential, I was saying yes to my Lord,
Jesus. Almost immediately following this breakup I began to receive words from the Father about religious life. About purity, and being a bride, and in being set aside especially for Him.
This was probably the scariest yes of my life, the one I really did not want to make. But then I remembered His promises to me: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11) And also when he said to us ”I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)
Renewed by these promises, I told myself that a "yes" to be a religious sister could fill every desire I’ve ever imagined and more, so I told Jesus “Lord, I’m really horrible at finding the right place and right fit and all the details so here is the deal: If you set it all up, the time and the place, I’ll go, no fear, no questions asked.” I ended up walking around outside and lo and behold there was a random pamphlet for the Sisters of Saint Francis of Perpetual Adoration on the ground. I said “this must be it,” went right to the link, signed up and kept moving. No fear. Then the retreat came 3 months later.
My retreat with the Sisters was so providential. More than going there just to ask Jesus to generate some "yes" or "no" answer for me, I received so much more:
- A new healing of my view of marriage. There isn’t even marriage in heaven. Due to over-emphasis on marriage and relationships I had suffered so long... striving, grasping and feeling emptiness from lack of companionship. Because the Holy Eucharist is the best companion I could ask for, I was healed of this skewed view of marriage.
- A healed view of religious sisters. Not all religious sisters speak with the lightest, daintiest voices. Not all are gentle as flowers. Not all pray endless Rosaries. SHOCKER: They are human! They can be powerful, resourceful and outspoken. They are so unique. I now feel such admiration for the deep diversity of talent and gifting in these Sisters. They became more human to me and I have realized truly how glorious the religious vocation is.
The one way I was healed above all else was my love story with Jesus. No more was I praying, “Is it You or is it some dude? Just tell me God!” Yes we are called to many things, but I for one don’t believe God calls us to religious or married life. I believe that we fall in love with Jesus, and He proposes to us, and we say “yes” to His love. Whether that’s Him, or Him through a human man, one day He will propose to me and I want to be ready to give my "yes." I have never seen a man get down on one knee and say, “Will you marry me?”, where the women replied, “I am called to marry you.” NO! She says I LOVE YOU and I want to step into this.
Suffering and love can not be separated. Saint Francis asked for two things before he received the stigmata: All of the sufferings of the passion, and the love that drove Jesus to do it. You can’t have one without the other. You also can not have vocation without love. So I will continue to cultivate this love, and once it’s ready, the Lord will propose. And I can’t wait to see how He does it.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
|
