Does it really matter if we are harsh with ourselves?
Isn’t it ok to push ourselves?
What will motivate us to get through tough challenges if we are all soft and kind with ourselves?
These are questions I’m often asked in my workshops and talks and I want to illustrate my response with two stories so you can answer these questions for yourself.
Helen was a quiet, shy girl who was raised in a very strict home as the oldest of five children. By the time she was eight, she was helping clean the kitchen in the mornings, scrubbing the floor on hands and knees, and then making her own breakfast and school lunch before heading off to school. If she left a mess, or missed a spot, her overburdened mother would sigh and look disappointed. At school Helen knew she was expected to study hard and get good marks. Her father would examine every test and exam result and even if she got 95% he would say things like, “What happened to the other five percent?” and “I thought you were bright but I see I was wrong.” There was nothing Helen could do to please either of them. She tried her very best but it was never good enough for them. She felt anxious and uncertain about everything she did because she knew someone would find something wrong with it. She didn’t feel excited about life, or good about herself.
One day, the school wanted to acknowledge her excellent performance at a ceremony. Helen became so frightened that she declined. Her teacher encouraged her and finally Helen did eventually manage to do it, but she vomited from fear before going onstage and could barely remember any of it afterwards. She wasn’t sure how she was going to get through the rest of her life.
Rosie was a quiet, shy girl who was raised in a loving home as the oldest of five children. By the time she was eight, she was helping clean the kitchen in the mornings, scrubbing the floor on hands and knees, and then making her own breakfast and school lunch before heading off to school. Her overburdened mother would always make sure to thank Rosie for her help and say things like, “I know this is extra work for you and I am so appreciative of your willingness to help the family. I love coming into such a sparkling, clean kitchen in the morning. It makes my life much more pleasant.”
At school Rosie knew she was expected to study hard and get good marks. Her father would examine every test and exam result and celebrate her efforts no matter what her marks were. He would say things like, “I see you tried to work this sum out three times. Even though you didn’t get the correct answer, you did the most important thing which is to keep trying because as we try, we learn. Well done!” When she received 95% for a test one day, he hung it on the fridge so everyone could see and they had ice cream for dessert that day.
Rosie knew she was loved and appreciated for who she is. She tried her best because she could see the positive impact it had on her and everyone around her. She felt excited to try new things and give her all to see what happened.
One day, the school wanted to acknowledge her excellent performance at a ceremony. Rosie felt enormously honoured and couldn’t wait to tell her parents. She enjoyed the whole experience and afterwards she cherished it as one of the best memories of her life. She was eager and confident to explore the rest of her life.
You are the child in the story.
You are also both parents.
Think of how you treat yourself.
Are you more like Helen’s parents or more like Rosie’s parents towards yourself? In other words, do you criticise yourself and keep yourself anxiously trying to get things right, or do you appreciate the efforts you make and celebrate big and small successes?
What kind of life are you creating for yourself by doing this?
How does it affect how you feel about your life journey going forward?
What stirs within you as you see your answers to these questions?
Life requires your courage, your strength and your trust. Do all you can to:
Be encouraging and kind to yourself.
Appreciate your efforts and celebrate your small wins.
Tell yourself how wonderful you are.
Say and do all the things for you, that you would happily do for a dear friend.
If you can, life will be a much gentler journey for you, regardless of your 'marks'.
If you loved yourself like a warm encouraging parent, what would you say to yourself right now?
