"I can't say no. That would be selfish."
When we say someone is selfish, we usually mean they don’t care about anyone besides themselves.
A 'selfish person' is hurtful and misanthropic, a threat to the community’s well-being.
It’s an insult to call someone selfish.
Nowadays though, many self-help gurus are saying that if we want to be happy and healthy and have a thriving community, we need to put our own well-being first.
Doesn't that make us selfish? How do we navigate this?
I like to make a distinction between what I call open-hearted selfishness and closed-hearted selfishness.
In open-hearted selfishness, you’re motivated by love and trust.
In closed-hearted selfishness, you’re motivated by fear and separation.
One leads to connection and well-being for all, while the other contributes to the hurt, anger, and disconnection evident in our world.
Confusingly, the two can look identical from the outside, but the internal experiences are worlds apart.
If you want to know if you are being selfish for saying 'no' to something or someone, check your motivation.
Are you saying no because that will lead to the best outcome, or because you are afraid to say yes?
Let me explain.
Let’s say you’re responsible for a child who wants a sweet. You say no because you believe her body deserves respect, and that sweet is loaded with chemicals, preservatives, and sugar. That’s a loving ‘no’— you’ve said yes to your need to protect her body and your beliefs.
You could satisfy her request by looking for a healthy alternative. Or maybe you’re concerned that if she eats a sweet now, she won’t eat her lunch and then she’ll be hungry in twenty minutes, which is when her trumpet lesson starts. That’s also a loving no—and you’ll give her the sweet after trumpet practice.
In both these situations, the ‘no’ aligns with your values, your heart is open and soft, all options are available to you, and you’re considering your needs and hers.
If the child persists in asking, it’ll be relatively easy to stick to your no while staying calm because you are at peace with your decision.
Now let’s say your real concern is that if you say yes to the sweet, she’ll become a spoiled brat. Or she’ll gain weight and people will judge you both.
Saying yes doesn’t seem like an option in that case, so you have to harden your heart and say no.
You say no defensively, in fear, because you don’t trust in her or in your ability to manage whatever situation may come later.
It’s not open-hearted, and not for everyone’s well-being.
If your child persists in asking, you’ll probably feel angry and pressured, and may end up shaming, punishing or shouting.
In all these versions, she asked for a sweet and you said no—but your emotions, intentions and reactions when challenged are radically different.
That’s a simple example, and we all know that saying no can get extremely complicated. Nevertheless, even the most complex situation can be walked one step at a time.
It’s possible to say no with truthful, loving intention and without shutting someone out.
People will still react and interpret things from their own perspective (which includes all the times they’ve been hurt before), but we can generally ‘feel’ when someone is being open hearted and we are less likely to respond with anger or judgement.
I’m not saying people won’t respond negatively—I’m saying it’s less likely when your reason for saying no is loving.
Even if they do feel hurt or respond by attacking you, you’ll have chosen your response from love—it feels right for you.
It’s easier to stick to your decision if you are ‘with yourself’.
When you say no from a place of fear, rigidity, or defensiveness, it’s not an act of love for yourself or another—it’s what we traditionally call ‘selfish’.
When you say no with the intention of loving yourself in the deepest way, you also feel open and loving about the person or situation to which you need to say no.
Open-hearted selfishness serves everyone.
It helps you set healthy, necessary boundaries for everyone's sakes.
When your needs are being met, your ‘no’ is softer and kinder, while remaining firm.
If you loved yourself, what would you lovingly say no to now?
