I’ve just faced a deep challenge!

I had one of those moments where I had to face my own inner truth and be brave enough to acknowledge it. 

Because what I felt deep within me was NOT what my head thought I should be feeling. 

I’ve decided to share this experience with you because it happens to us so often. 

And it’s hard enough to acknowledge it in small little moments... 

But in the bigger, more visible decisions…

Whew. 

It can be hard to honour your own truth. 

So I’m reminding you (and myself), that this Self-Love thing applies to everything. 

Everywhere.

All the time. 

It’s a way of living, not just a momentary tool to use. 

So, what happened is that I have started this year full of exciting plans. 

I know what I want to do and where I want to go. 

And that clarity feels so good because it’s the result of a lot of courageous soul-searching. 

One of the things I know I want to keep doing, is my CPD course for practitioners. 

I love facilitating it!

For the past five years, I have opened registration for it in February and there’s a LOT of prep and admin to do. 

This year I began to do the prep but my heart wasn’t in it. 

Which is odd, because while marketing the course is always scary and challenging for me, I do it because the result is I get the privilege of empowering a group of magical therapists, doctors and coaches, and witnessing them changing their lives profoundly. 

However this time, whenever I thought of starting the course I felt tired and like I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. 

And that was scary and confusing for me. 

I love this course. 

Of COURSE I want to do it. 

…Don’t I?

But these tired, resistant feelings…

I know these are my inner self saying ‘no’ to something. 

I no longer ignore my inner ‘no’. 

I just didn’t expect to find it here. 

I didn’t WANT to find it here. 

So what should I do?

I knew I had to be REALLY brave and ask myself some very big questions. 

AND then be even braver and listen to my deepest heart answers. 

I had to face my fears and look at my options. 

Which answer made my body relax most?

Which option made me feel lighter, more joyful, most hopeful about my life?

It’s nice in theory to ‘follow your truth’ but when rubber meets the road, and it might mean you have to make a change that will impact your life emotionally or financially, it can be very frightening. 

This is my work. 

I can't just not do it!

This a wonderful course I created to help others. 

It's not really about ME, is it?

What about all those people it will help...

I can't REALLY just do what FEELS most right to me...

I mean, that’s not what we’re taught, right?

All of my childhood training was telling me to ignore this, shut up, do what I need to do, be a good girl and do what would please others…

All my internalised pervasive capitalist propaganda was urging me to ignore this, keep my head down and be productive so that I have money, status, success, safety…

All my internalised pervasive toxic masculinity culture was informing me to ignore my feelings, suck it up, push through, be tough…

All those voices rose up in unison saying,

‘Don’t be silly. Of course you’ll do it. You’re just being lazy. Pull yourself together. Push through this. People are expecting you to do this. Everything will fall apart if you let this go. You'll lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.

What about the money? This is your income you silly girl! You can’t just stop because you feel a bit tired! You’ll never survive if you behave like this. You’ll become a nothing. What will people think?“ 

But hey, 

I teach self-loving decision making…

I call myself a daring decisions teacher…

Because I help people DARE to choose the things they actually want!

So…

“If I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?”, I asked. 

I gave myself permission to consider not running the course this year. 

I imagined taking a break for the year. 

It didn’t feel good. 

I imagined going ahead and doing it. 

That also didn’t feel good. 

Stumped, I shared my exhaustion and confusion with a loved one about it. 

He said, “Can’t you start later in the year?”

What?

I’d never thought about that!

“If I loved myself, I would give myself time to not have to decide anything.”

So I let myself gently ponder the possibilities without having to decide anything yet. 

I didn’t rush myself, or force myself to make a choice NOW!

This in itself felt like a loving, luxurious thing to do. 

I felt listened to and cared for, even though I still didn’t know what to do. 

I was allowing my feelings to matter. 

I was taking my needs seriously. 

Then one afternoon, I went to lie in the garden, on my belly, on the grass. 

Elbows out, I rested my chin on the backs of my hands and gazed at the blades of grass and the ants going about their business…

I breathed…

And I asked,

"Eilat, what do you really want?"

“I want time. I need space to rest and focus and create. And I also want to do the course this year.”

I pulled out my phone calendar and right there, on my belly on the grass, I looked at the months and the year and the dates and discovered that I can delay registration to start later this year and still run the course. 

So that’s what I’m doing. 

I'm going to let myself rest and take the time I need AND I'm going to run the course.

A bit later.

I’m listening to my truth in this deepest of ways and creating my life step by step to one that seems almost magical to me. 

Because I am choosing what feels best to me in every little moment. 

I’m giving myself permission to exist. 

As me. 

To live life in the way that feels right to me. 

Because that’s what I’m here to do. 

To be me. 

Just like you.  

That’s what you are here to do. 

You are here to be you and live life as YOU. 

Anything else makes no sense at all. 

If you loved yourself, where would you bravely listen to what you REALLY want and need now?