Years ago I was asked to run a workshop on self-care for a large group of social workers.
I’ve never met a more overworked, harried, toughened group of people in my life!
These incredible people were out there battling social ills every single day while also trying to navigate an endless pile of paperwork and new cases that constantly flowed in.
They were excited to be attending a workshop on self-care because it was a day of something nice for them - but they didn't expect it would be of any lasting value to them because really, who has the time to regularly self-care, right?
To start off, I asked them to give me examples of self-care and they started calling out ideas, “Taking time off.” “Going away” “Having a massage” “Going on date night” “Taking yourself to a movie” “Making sure you take lunch break”… Every single suggestion was completely valid but I was blown away by a glaring gap in their suggestions.
From this group of about fifty educated, emotionally intelligent, wonderful folk, the examples were all about getting away somehow. Not a single suggestion was about how to love yourself or look after yourself right in middle of the challenging moments.
Now of course I could have asked that question differently, and I did afterwards, but what really struck me was the myth that self-care is taking a break from life and it’s difficulties.
It’s a really problematic perception because life is full of difficulties and challenges and that ain’t stopping anytime soon!
When your kids are screaming that they don’t like what you cooked and your partner is also upset with you for something and your dreaded mother is arriving in an hour to stay for a week, you can’t really go off and have a massage.
When you have a deadline due that people are relying on you to complete, and your back hurts and you haven’t slept enough because you were crying all night after having broken up with your boyfriend, you can’t just go away for a restful weekend to destress.
Life happens and it keeps happening. Self-care can’t be dependent on you being able to take the time and having the resources to do it. That’s not a sustainable model.
Mainstream media often talks about self-care as a form of self-romance. Taking long bubble baths, going for walks on the beach, journaling, having a massage, taking time off…
These things are marvellous and I hope you do lots of them but on their own, they don’t really make the difference. I mean, we all know you can do that stuff and still not love yourself, right?
Real self-care is an act of self-love.
What is self-love?
Self-love is meeting your needs.
That’s it.
Love is a feeling but it’s also an action. It’s a noun but it’s also a verb.
If you think about how you love anyone or anything in your life you’ll see that you think about their needs and you take actions to make sure those needs are met.
Love in action is when a mom hugs her child who needs comfort.
Love in action is when we cuddle and play with our dog who needs attention.
Love in action is when we cook a meal for our partner or dear friend who is exhausted and overwhelmed.
Love in action is when we water our plant and make sure it has enough light and good soil.
Love in action is when someone is hurting and we let them be silent and sit beside them holding their hand.
Love in action is when we make sure our cat has food and water and a warm bed.
Love in action is when we tell our loved one what they mean to us.
Love in action is when we give our business all it needs to help it thrive.
The way love is acted out is in being attuned to the needs of our object of love and taking small and consistent actions to meet those needs appropriately.
*A note for you if you tend to co-dependent relationships: I do NOT mean that love is being indispensable to someone and looking after their every need in order to make them happy, ok? Self-love in relationships means meeting your own needs, saying no when you need to and supporting and cheering your partner on as they strive to do the same.
My point here is that love is acted out through the meeting of needs. And the same is true of self-love.
When you love yourself you pay attention to your needs as seriously as you do your child’s or dog or loved one and you make a dedicated effort to make sure your needs are consistently met in appropriate ways.
When your needs are met you feel satisfied and happy. You thrive.
When your needs are not met, you feel restless, resentful, dissatisfied and unhealthy. You decline.
It's simple.
So, if you were your love object right now, what would you choose to do for you?
