I often say to people,
“Just stay with your feelings. Don’t try to avoid them—let yourself feel them.”
Then they gaze at me blankly.
There should be a class in elementary school called ‘How to be human’, because this stuff is important! So let’s start:
Introduction to Feelings 101.
Feelings are physical sensations.
Anger, fear, or boredom all begin with physical sensations: a prickling heat, a beating heart, numbness, dullness …
When we start to feel these sensations, a deep part of us understands that we’re required to take action.
That's because feelings exist to prompt you to become aware of your needs and take action to meet them.
This is where we trip up.
What often happens is that we start to feel the physical sensations that indicate a message from our inner guidance and we misinterpret the prompt.
We understand something isn't ok and we need to change it but...
We look for what to change outside ourselves!
We try to change our situation, or other peoples’ behaviors, or attitudes...
Big mistake.
We totally miss the point.
It’s inside that we’re supposed to be looking.
In our desperate attempt to get away from the bad feeling that's merely informing us a need of our is not being met, we blame others, get into arguments, try to control situations, change our car/ hair color/ body image/ clothes/ partner because we think that will change our feelings.
But our feelings loyally continue to let us know that something needs to change—inside.
Because only we can know what our need is and only we can satisfy our own needs.
As humans we are designed to avoid pain and seek out pleasure. That's why we avoid the uncomfortable feelings. Our brain tells us that the painful feeling is dangerous: “Oh, I feel rejected. This is bad! I’m so hurt by what he said. It’s so painful. It reminds me of that thing that happened in the school playground … That was also bad. I almost didn’t survive it! I must stop this feeling immediately. I’d better not think about it …”
It is dangerous to chronically not meet your needs, your brain is right about that.
But its not dangerous to feel the feeling which is indicating an unmet need.
We misunderstand that. We only hear, "Danger! Danger!"
So we use avoidance behaviors to get away from our feelings: we eat junk food, we block intimacy with our loved one, we pick a fight, we withdraw from friends, we scroll on our phone instead of painting like we want to, we seek out sex we later regret, we use alcohol or drugs to numb ourselves, we watch Netflix for hours, we work too much …
These things can really impact negatively on your life.
And all of them are just you avoiding feeling your feelings.
Crazy, right?
When I help people look at the difficult situations in their lives, we usually notice that much of the difficulty comes from avoiding feelings.
Avoiding pain usually causes us far more pain than the pain itself.
So what can you do instead?
It’s very important to know that feelings cannot harm you.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings.
When a feeling comes along, lean in to it and allow it to express itself.
When you feel a big, scary feeling, simply allow it to bring you its message.
It has something important to tell you about you and your life.
Open to it with curiosity and love.
Rumi has a poem that expresses this beautifully.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
– Jalaluddin Rumi
translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)
If you loved yourself, what feeling of yours would you let yourself feel now?
