A really weird thing has been happening to me as a result of living in this way where I listen to my inner guidance to know what to do next...
Where I treat myself with care and consideration and say yes to things I like and no to things I don't...
A really strange thing.
Fear is beginning to lose its power as a driving force for me.
I'm just not really motivated anymore by fear or criticism or threat or panic.
Isn't that odd?
You'd think I'd be thrilled by this.
In theory I am.
Inside me, part of me is saying, "Oh yay, hooray I feel safe enough in the world because I know I'm being looked after by myself and I trust myself to handle whatever might come my way because I'm attuned to my needs and take regular actions to meet them..."
But in reality it feels SO odd to have reached this place, that in fact I feel rather lost and confused.
I'm so used to being motivated by pushing and surviving and achieving, that I feel like something very familiar is gone...
Like part of me has been amputated, or is missing.
And another part of me is freaking out,
"That was how I got myself to do stuff and now its not there anymore.
So how can I get myself to do stuff now?
What will motivate me?"
I know the theory, of course.
I can be motivated by the joy of life, the thrill of creating and connecting... all that good stuff.
But the practical change from one way of doing things to a new way, is hard to do.
And I'm not even managing to get myself scared and worried about that!
I just feel kindness and patience towards myself as I wander about feeling confused.
So I just wanted to share this funny experience with you.
This unexpected turn in the road to self-love and care.
That loving yourself can feel unfamiliar and confusing when you are used to criticising and shaming yourself.
That even though we say we want something, when it comes, it requires adjustment.
Someone told me recently that doing my course is like going through an initiation from one way of being into another. From one paradigm and dimension to a completely new one.
It's exciting to begin with, and amazing and nourishing and challenging during, and then at the end you have to figure out how to continue with life now that you've shifted into this new way of considering yourself and listening to your inner truth.
It's like when people fantasise that winning the lottery or becoming famous will make everything easier but rich and famous people also have challenges.
As do happy people who now live with less fear and more love for themselves and trust in their choices.
When you love yourself, the twists and turns in the road are still surprising and challenging.
It's just that you have more tools to walk through them and learn from them gently.
If I loved myself, I'd enjoy this feeling of moving away from being motivated by fear and drive to survive. I'd acknowledge how far I've come to get here.
And I'd be gentle with myself and patient as I learn how to find my motivation in my heart's call instead.
If you loved yourself, what kind thing would you say to yourself about where you are on your path now?
