"I spent some time with an old friend of mine from school." she tells me one day, looking distressed.
"We hadn’t seen each other in a really long time and we were so excited to catch up. We planned a whole weekend together and it sounded fabulous. But during the weekend, it became clear to me, well to both of us, that we have changed. Our views on life and our values are vitally different from each other now. We even had a sort of argument about something. She landed up leaving earlier than planned, but she gave me big smiles and kisses, and said "see you soon" and "this was so lovely". And now I’m so confused.
Because for me it really wasn’t that lovely. And if she chose to leave early, why was she saying it was lovely and that we should meet soon? And what is she going to expect from me going forward? Do I have to continue with the friendship as it was when I see that it has changed?"
This is what I said to her, and I want to say it to you too.
In case it's useful.
It's confusing when someone's behaviour doesn't match their words.
In any situation where there is a difference, or conflict between somebody’s words and their actions…
Always listen to their actions.
People are much more honest in their behaviours than they are in their words.
It’s easy to say something.
It’s harder to do it.
If you want to know what someone really believes...
Look at their behaviour.
We often fool ourselves into believing the beautiful words that people spin.
And it’s not necessarily that they’re trying to fool us.
In fact, most of the time, they’re trying to fool themselves!
We just happen to be on the receiving end of their hopes and fantasies about themselves.
And we participate with it because it suits us too.
Maybe we want or need them to be a certain way...
So we choose to believe what they say over what they actually do.
When we keep looking at other peoples potential, and we base our choices on what they tell us they will do, and how they are, and if we IGNORE what they are actually choosing to do, we are deluding ourselves.
(My autocorrect wrote 'diluting' ourselves instead of 'deluding' and I almost left it like that. It's cute and true).
So I’ll say this again, because it’s worth repeating.
When you are feeling confused about the discrepancy between what someone says and does...
Believe their behaviour.
If you loved yourself, whose behaviour would you allow yourself to believe now
