In narrative therapy, there’s a strong focus on the story a person offers about themselves.
How do they narrate their experiences? How do they see themselves? What is the story they choose to tell about their difficulties?
A large part of the therapy is helping a person see an alternative narrative—so, a woman living in poverty might talk about how she’s struggling to look after her children, how the world is such a tough place, and how weak and overwhelmed she feels.
The therapist might hear and acknowledge her story and then slowly introduce and explore the other side of that story— that she’s a person who is feeding, clothing, and schooling her children despite her lack of money, that she’s sought help to empower herself, that she’s someone who knows there could be more to life, and that she feels her feelings and fights for her rights.
“How would you view a person like that?” the therapist might ask her after reflecting these qualities of her story.
Normally, when someone hears their alternative narrative, they’re astounded.
“I’ve never thought of myself as strong, but now I see that I am,” she might say.
The thing is that both stories are completely true. It’s the perspective that makes all the difference.
From one, this woman is a victim of difficult circumstances and from the other she’s strong, despite difficult circumstances.
She’ll either feel empowered or hopeless, depending on which story she chooses to tell.
It’s the all-important difference between saying, “No matter how many times I get up, life always knocks me back down again,” and saying, “No matter how many times life knocks me down, I always get back up again.” Both are true, but which one feels better?
This is NOT about staying positive, or pretending things aren't what they are, or denying your reality. I call that 'toxic positivity'.
It's not helpful or self-loving to always paste a smile on and pretend things are fine when they're not.
My point here is to suggest you become aware of what story you choose to tell yourself and others about your reality.
You can focus on the bad things that are happening to you, or you can focus on the strength, innovation, growth, dedication, and activism you show in dealing with them.
Both stories are factually accurate, but one is self-loving and the other is not.
How can you tell between them?
The one that feels better to you is more directly meeting your needs.
The other is a less successful attempt at meeting those needs.
Follow your feelings.
Notice if you feel uplifted or depressed by the way you are talking about yourself and your life.
Then choose to tell the uplifting one as an act of self-love and affirmation.
As you begin to tell someone something about yourself, ask, “If I loved myself, which story would I tell now, and how would I tell it?” Then see what happens. I’m betting you’ll get some empowering responses.
If I loved myself, which story would I tell now, and how would I tell it?
(This is an extract from my new book You Have Permission to Exist, page 156)
