Yesterday I was challenged.
Stretched!
Pushed to do what I say everyone should do.
But on a new level.
What happened was that my first client of the day had cancelled our appointment, so I could go into work an hour later, and I had the delicious problem of deciding if to use that free hour for admin, or just give myself space to hang out, or do something else.
I checked in with myself and could feel that because I had been doing so much sitting, my body needed some movement.
I decided, with some excitement, that I was going to use my surprise free hour to exercise.
Not only that, but I was going to do it by putting on music and dancing!
Because, you see, no one else was home and time alone in my own house is a rare and exciting occurrence for me.
Being alone meant I could bounce around with abandon, unwitnessed and unapologetic.
I got going and was just starting to enjoy the movement, and was already out of breath, when my phone pinged.
I had a message.
Still bouncing I picked up my phone and read the message.
It was from my day’s second client.
She wrote, “I’m here already. I'm sitting outside in my car so if you want to start early you can let me know.”
And so began an epic inner battle...
My client was already there.
I was free.
I could see her now if I wanted.
What to do.
I knew she wasn’t putting pressure on me to start early. She didn't even know if I was with a client or not. She was just letting me know I had the option.
Did I want the option?
NO.
I was dancing.
But who does that?
Who just carries on bouncing around while someone else is waiting for them outside?
It’s not proper.
It’s not right.
It’s inconsiderate.
If I can start early I should.
But why should I?
This isn’t the time we agreed on.
It’s ok for me to take this time regardless of what I do with it.
I’m looking after myself.
This is good.
It’s also important.
But she’s just sitting outside there waiting…
With heroic effort I didn’t reply to her message and continued dancing and was just getting into it again when my clinic partner contacted me.
“Your client is here. I’ve let her in and she’s sitting in the waiting room.”
WHAT?!
Oh no.
Now she was RIGHT THERE.
Sitting.
Waiting expectantly while I was selfishly taking this time and keeping her waiting so I can dance and exercise.
How selfish is that?
Don’t I care at all?
Maybe I should stop now and go and behave like a good girl and see her now.
I’m keeping her waiting for no good reason.
Oh my goodness these voices in my head!!
Stop it already.
This is really essential.
Im looking after myself.
If I stop what I need to cater to someone else I will be a hypocrite!
This is what I teach.
She is fine. Im not harming her.
She’s ok to wait.
We have a contract for a set time and she’s chosen to come early.
That’s fine but I don’t have to give up what I need to cater to it.
I want to deeply practice what I teach.
If I loved myself what would I choose to do now?
I would let myself dance.
By this time I was distressed and I was also furious about feeling distressed.
Using that hot frantic energy coming from feeling anxious that I wasn't being ok but also feeling angry that I was trying to make myself to let go of something precious to me, I furiously punched the air repeatedly chanting in time to the punches,
“I
(punch)
am
(punch)
busy
(punch)
now!”
(punch)
And that’s when I realised two things.
This was an incredible opportunity to take my commitment to my needs to a new level
I had to tell my client all of what had just happened. Because I was modelling raw, real, challenging and essential self-care.
When my hour was up, I dressed, got myself ready and went to meet her for our session.
I was feeling refreshed and proud of myself.
I shared with her what had just happened to me and we had a really powerful conversation about the many ways she does not do this kind of determined self-care in her life and how that has fuelled her depression and burnout.
My friend, it’s time.
It’s time to start really listening to yourself and taking the actions that you most need.
I know it's hard to do, but you have to do it anyway.
Not because you are selfish and put yourself first, but because you care so much for yourself, and everyone you love, that you are making sure you are looked after well enough to be happy and vibrant.
Because, as I keep saying, you being ok benefits everyone you love.
If you loved yourself, what self-care activity would you do in the next five to ten minutes?
