(Trigger warning - if you have a history of abuse, this week's letter might stir you but it's so that you see nothing is wrong with you and that you have permission to exist.)
If you’ve ever had the experience of being criticized for who you are and how you do things...
If you’ve ever been shamed for something you’ve said or done...
If you’ve ever been hit, shouted at, threatened, or physically hurt and could do nothing about it...
If you’ve ever been treated like you’re precious one moment and trash the next..
If you’ve been made to feel like you’re crazy or everything bad is your fault and that something about you must be wrong or broken...
Then it likely won’t be easy to give yourself permission to exist now.
Maybe you know what it’s like to be around someone who takes up all the air in a room,
Someone who steals all the attention,
Whoo uses up the family’s entire emotional bandwidth ...
Even a narcissist or abuser you don’t live with—a schoolteacher, sibling, boss, or colleague—can have a big impact.
One of the characteristics of being around a narcissist or abuser is that you feel you have no right to be yourself.
You have to tiptoe around their moods and what they might need.
You’re always on alert. Everything is about them.
Sometimes you’re desperate to gain their approval, other times you’re desperate to avoid their attacks.
You may even find yourself struggling to breathe around them, like you’re using up too much air, or being too alive.
Living with any kind of abuse, criticism, or violence means that being in the spotlight is dangerous.
Being seen is something to avoid.
So after you have experienced that, it makes sense that you might find it difficult to accept yourself and feel relaxed about life.
Also, even after the original abuser is out of your life, sometimes the abuse continues inside you.
You might have learned to shame, criticise, and berate yourself.
It's ok.
If you’ve had a tough time in your life, be kind to yourself now.
This can be a new beginning.
You’re not broken or faulty. You have real reasons to feel this way.
Take your time as you learn a more loving way of treating yourself.
When fears arise, reassure and calm yourself, step by step.
Slowly but surely, self-love can become your new normal.
Try this little exercise now.
Read this aloud (really, do it now):
I have permission to exist.
I have permission to exist.
I have permission to exist.
Notice how you feel when you say it and say something kind to yourself about that.
Repeat this daily, first thing in the morning, at midday, and last thing at night and see what happens.
If you loved yourself, how would you let yourself start learning to safely take up space now?
