“In my community, we don’t self-love”, she tells me, rolling her eyes. “This self-love business is for rich white people.”
She’s not the first one to say this to me at one of my talks or workshops.
Thinking about yourself and doing what meets your needs is frowned on in a lot of places. In the Middle East and Mediterranean cultures for example, family is a strong force. You need to please your family if you want a happy, peaceful existence. In other places, pride is everything and you must not do anything that would shame the family or community. In some countries religion is the dominant guide of how you should behave and feel about yourself. In yet other places, pride for your country is something you should be willing to give your life for.
Listening to yourself and loving yourself in your decisions just doesn't come into it.
The reality is that only a tiny percentage of the world population is taught they have the right to think about themselves and follow their dreams. It’s usually the liberal, middle-class segment of the population of any country.
In Africa, there is a term “Ubuntu”. The Oxford dictionary defines it as, “A quality that includes the essential human virtues; compassion and humanity”. It gives the example ‘there is a need for understanding not vengeance, ubuntu not victimization’.
Another way to say it is, “I am because we are”. Community comes first. We are a collective before we are individuals.
There is great strength to living life in community, in family, in culture, in country.
There are also great disadvantages if the way it is done limits your individual expression of self.
The irony is, the whole collective loses out each time one of its individuals is limited.
If everyone’s talents and unique expression are not nurtured and allowed, the collective becomes weaker and more limited in its capacity. They have less skills, talents and innovation to draw on. It’s like a dwindling gene-pool in a species. Thoroughbreds often have certain weaknesses whereas multi-breeds tend to be stronger.
As a species, as a community, as a collective, we need rich diversity to flourish. We are stronger and more resilient when we know many different ways to do things.
For this to happen, we each need to have permission to exist as we are and to figure out how to express ourselves best. Then we add our unique perspective to our community and we all get stronger and richer. When we don’t everybody loses out.
I remember speaking to a distressed factory owner once who felt powerless in the face of the limiting culture of his factory’s worker population. He was unable to promote good people from within his workforce because each time he elevated one above the others the group would sabotage their fellow worker-turned manager and make sure they didn’t succeed. They ended up traumatised and left the factory. He was actually in tears as he told me that he has to hire new people for the better positions because he doesn’t want to harm the wonderful people he has come to know and trust and who would be ideal for the job. The result was that the whole worker population was trapped in their level with no opportunity for growth.
A wonderful woman I know, decided in her mid-fifties to finally complete her high school diploma. She didn’t tell anyone she knew that she was going to night classes because in her socio-economically disadvantaged community, ‘bettering yourself’ is met with suspicion and anger. What will that mean for a community in the long run if no-one is allowed to strive to educate and empower themselves?
Everything has its shadow and its light.
Community is empowering when it supports, but not when it oppresses.
People get scared when I talk about loving yourself and following your own inner Truth because they think it will kill their community but in my experience over the past 25 years of working with this, what I have witnessed is exactly the opposite. In fact, I laughingly call some of my work, Family Therapy With One Person.
Why?
When ONE individual begins to look to their Truth, they begin to liberate EVERYONE.
I’ve watched seemingly hopeless family and community situations shift when ONE person starts to love themselves and follow their inner truth.
It does NOT mean they run around doing whatever they like in complete disregard of everyone and everything else. We just don’t do that when we are following our heart-guided inner truth because breaking down the systems that support us is not self-loving. Hurting our loved ones does not bring us joy. Neglecting our children’s needs does not bring us inner peace. Ignoring the communal rules does not bring harmony. And we thrive in harmony – it’s a human need.
So.
Loving yourself in your decisions is essential for the well-being of your community, your family, your country.
A body is as strong as it’s individual cells are healthy and happy. Healthy, happy cells make a strong, vibrant, thriving body.
You are a cell in your community. Look after yourself and it will help your community too.
I will say this as many times as it is needed.
Loving yourself is the LEAST selfish thing you can do.
If you loved yourself, what would you say to yourself about loving yourself in your decisions now?
