I’m having a real dilemma.

At the start of this year, I set the intention to take this listening-to-myself thing to the next level.

This means that before taking any step or decision, I intend to tune into my inner truth and see what it has to say.

If I get the ‘yes’ feeling I’ll go ahead but if I get a ‘no’ or a ‘maybe’ I will not do it, or I will wait for clarity.

It sound lovely in theory. 

The reality has been quite different.

For example, there’s a work opportunity I have to make a decision about at the moment.

I enthusiastically and optimistically sat down to see what my inner guidance has to say about it.

Like a lamb to the slaughter I was!

So innocently unaware of the bumpy road I was about to encounter.

“If I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?” I naively asked myself about the opportunity.

“Yes! Of course yes!” I immediately heard back. “It’s a no-brainer. You should totally do it. A wonderful opportunity. Very impressive. Well done!”

At first my chest puffs up and I smile at this inner response.

But wait. 

Is it puffed up with joy, or with pride?

How do I FEEL?

Does my chest feel light? Do I feel hopeful and expansive?

No. If I’m absolutely honest, I feel a bit trapped and uneasy. 

Oh.

That’s not a ‘yes’ then. Let me try again.

“If I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?”

Discomfort starts to flood my body. “Didn’t you hear? We said yes. You must just do this. It would be crazy not to! It’s been a dream of yours for ages.”

Now I’m suspicious. Why is this sense of urgency coming up within me? 

Isn’t my ‘yes’ feeling supposed to be peaceful and joyous and relaxing? 

Why is this making me tense up?

Let me ask the Love Question again.

And so the battle between my heart and my ego begins.

Changing management is not going as smoothly as I anticipated.

I want love and my deep inner truth to be in charge of my choices.

But what I’m seeing is how much fear usually drives my choices.

‘There’s not enough time. I won’t earn enough. It’s bad for business. I won’t succeed. I should be doing it. I’m running out of time. I’ll miss the opportunity. Hurry, hurry, go, go, go. You’ll be left behind. Others will get there first. ‘ And on and on. 

As I see that none of these things are giving me the ‘yes’ feeling, I doggedly decide I will not let them be my guidance anymore.

“I’m done with that!” I bravely declare, “I’m following my inner truth now.”

And I sit and ask the Love Question again and wait for my clarity and my ‘yes’ feeling, instead of jumping into action as I would usually do.

My ego is NOT pleased about this.

It wants to keep me safe and I love and appreciate it for that.

But I’m not letting fear be in charge of my life anymore.

There’s a lot of heat being generated from the friction, my fears pushing for action, and me staying put, determined to wait until I hear what my heart says. 

I am not letting myself take any action until it’s clear and soul driven. 

It’s so uncomfortable. 

My poor fight-flight is totally confused.

And yet…

Within all this noise and heat…

I feel SO excited and proud of myself.

Because I would NEVER have been able to do this before.

I didn’t even know that I was being driven by fear and not my inner truth.

I didn’t even know I was turning away from my inner heart and soul guidance.

I thought I was being rational and sensible.

I thought they were ‘good’ decisions.

And maybe they were, but they weren’t the decisions that felt right to me and took me closer to being happy, content, at peace, joyful…

You know, REAL success. 

The change is happening now.

I’m DOING it.

Listening to my real inner truth is going even deeper.

My life is going to become even nicer for me.

What does this stir within you about your own life?

If you loved yourself, what fears would you stop listening to now?

If you loved yourself, what joys would you turn towards?