It was my birthday and I invited some precious friends to join me for a picnic.
I was really excited because I’ve missed my people during this pandemic, you know?
Anyhow, I told everyone I don’t expect gifts because them coming was already my gift. Which was totally my truth. But I knew it wouldn’t really stop everyone from bringing gifts because one of my favourite human characteristics is generosity. It’s a quality I find totally attractive.
Which means most of the people I love best are generous.
Which means they enjoy gifting.
And to be honest, I love receiving gifts. I love the ticklish joy I get from someone thinking of me and taking some sort of action to bring me delight. It’s just so delicious. I love doing it for others as well.
So when a friend forced me to tell her what I enjoy so she could bring me something I’d actually like, it made me pause and think.
People tend to think that women my age enjoy body creams and candles and bubble bath things, and I don’t.
I was suddenly struck with a horror that I might get all these thoughtful gifts that I didn’t really want.
But what was I going to do, right? It’s not like I could say, "Oh and when you bring me a gift, please don’t bring me soaps and candle type things". In my culture it’s not polite. I don't know anyone who does that.
If I mentioned what not to gift me, it might make them feel they must bring a gift which wasn't my intention...
But I also didn’t want to block the joy of giving and receiving...
But what if I got inundated with creams, soaps and candles…?
And round and round I went.
This sort of social dilemma happens almost every day. We want something but can’t ask for it without appearing rude. We don’t want to do something but feel unable to say no...
What do you do?
Well me, I use the Love Question.
So, I asked myself, “If I had full permission to exist, what would I choose to do now?”
And that’s when I did it.
That’s when I broke the social rule.
After a lot of deliberating and deleting and rewriting, I added this to my message, “This gathering is my birthday gift to myself because joyful time with my friends is what I most want for my birthday, so please don’t feel you need to bring a gift other than your presence. You are what I want.
However, a dear someone demanded I be open to receiving (which I am) and express what I enjoy in case people who love gifting want to bring me something anyway. I initially brushed her comments off, but then I remembered my theme of ‘giving yourself permission to exist’ so I’m hereby accepting her challenge and clearly expressing what I like. 😬 It feels both very uncomfortable and quite exciting so here goes.
I love gifts of experiences that include food, wine, cooking and kitchen things, time with friends, doing interesting things, clothes, bangles, necklaces…
I’m not a soaps, creams, candles and bubble bath, rings or earrings kinda gal.
There. I’ve said it. Now you know me a little better. 😅
And now I feel anxious you’ll see it as a demand for gifts…
Ok, crikey! Therapy session over.
See you on Saturday!
Love Eilat 💚”
I sent my honest little message out along with the directions to the picnic spot and I felt nervous but proud of myself. I had said the thing I really wanted to say and because of that, my heart was calm. I had met my need.
I didn’t know what the outcome would be or what they would think of me, but it was my truth.
And you know what happened?
Quite a few of my friends thanked me very sincerely for telling them what I like. One said, “I’m so glad you sent this! I’ve been fretting over a gift but it can feel awkward to ask. Thank you for clarifying! 🤗❤️”
Another said, “It’s much more fun choosing something you know someone will like than playing a guessing game.”
One more told me I'd rescued her from her phobia of getting someone the 'wrong' gift.
And one friend wrote, “This was so well said. I might borrow it when it’s my birthday.”
So there you go.
Apparently breaking the social norm relieved my friends and helped others speak out too.
When you have a dilemma, follow your inner guidance for how to meet your needs.
It helps everyone when you do it.
If you loved yourself, what would you give yourself permission to express now?
