Ok, so here's the scene:
For the first time in weeks my family was watching a movie together.
AND by some amazing stroke of luck, it was a movie we were all enjoying!
This is a rarely-achieved feat.
We had for once won the coveted prize in the "What movie shall we watch?" game where you take a bunch of individuals with strong opinions and wildly varying movie preferences and try to find one movie that won't make one person groan at the obvious plot, another scroll on their phone because they're bored, another one complain bitterly that they didn't want to watch this movie while the only one glued to the screen screams at everyone else to keep quiet!
Anyhoo, there were were actually enjoying our movie when there was a knock at the door.
Beloved, wonderful friends of ours had popped by to collect something.
Ordinarily we would gather them in to chat and offer food and company but on this evening, I was loathe to interrupt this precious moment we were having as a family.
They stayed a while, me chatting with one and my partner helping the other gather what was needed.
I loved seeing them and one friend understood we were on hold and would continue watching the movie after they left.
But my partner was getting into his conversation with the other friend and as they both walked past me my partner said, "Would you mind making him a cup of coffee?"
Ordinarily I would have said, "No problem."
And I would have meant it.
But that night?
That night I did something else.
Something I would NEVER have dared to do before.
Something that only all this time teaching others to honour their inner truth gave me permission to do.
I said...
"Yes. I would mind."
And I stayed in my chair.
What?
My partner paused for a moment, digested this information, and then carried on walking.
My friend looked at me with big eyes and said, "I admire you SO much right now!"
And that's when the fear kicked in.
Because, how rude was THAT?!
I said no to my host duty.
I denied a guest in my house a cup of coffee.
IN FRONT OF THEM!
That is NOT how I was taught to behave.
And I panicked.
"I don't want him to feel he's not welcome here." I said to my friend.
"But we just landed on you. We don't expect to stay." she said. "I think it's marvellous that you said what you needed. Don't you dare panic about it!"
So I breathed through it and waited to see what would happen. I felt like a small child who had done something wrong and was waiting to see how she would get punished.
But nothing happened.
My partner went and made the coffee, they stayed a while more and left. We watched the rest of the movie. My partner didn't mention it. Our friend didn't mention it. Our friendship remained intact...
I was left reflecting on it. We are so trained to cater to others at the cost of our own well-being.
I'm not advocating being selfish in a closed-hearted I-don't-care-about-anybody-but-me way. I've never supported that. If you know my work, you'll know I'm ALL about love and connection.
But here's what we forget when we do things in the old way.
When we deny our needs to cater to others, we run on empty and we have less to give.
When we look after our own needs we are actually MORE able to be generous with others.
Saying 'no' had scared the part of me that had been taught to always put others ahead of myself.
Yet, if I had said 'yes', I would have made that coffee with resentment. I would have shown myself that I don't have permission to exist in that relationship.
Is that good for my relationship with my friend?
There's lots to think about and say on this topic.
This is a very case-specific example and it's not always so simple.
All I know for sure is that in the past, I never would have DARED to allow myself to express what I needed.
And now it seems I can.
And no-one died and no-one stopped loving anyone because I said what I needed to say.
And I felt listened to by myself and that made me trust myself more.
Now I know I live in a world where I will look out for myself.
So I can relax more in my life.
I'll be taken care of.
By me.
If you loved yourself, what would you allow yourself to express now?
