Brent comes to see me one day in a state of distress.

His movements are jerky, he’s breathing fast and isn’t able to maintain eye contact.

He’s spent money he doesn’t have on something he doesn’t need, and now he has even more debt.

“Why did I do it?” he says in a low moan, gazing at the floor.

We spend five minutes taking slow, deliberate, deep stomach breaths—this soothes the autonomic nervous system by sending the message there’s no real danger.

Then we gently explore what triggered his spending.

He’d been with friends who earn much more than he does, and he’d felt inadequate and small—a familiar trigger for him.

After dinner he’d gone home and seen an email promotion for the car he’d been lusting after.

In that brief shining moment, he’d felt everything would be better if he just had that car.

So he’d signed on the dotted line and messaged everyone about it.

Now, in the cold light of day, he feels completely sick with fear—he can’t afford the payments.

We speak it through for a while and then I ask him the Love question.

His response is, “If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have spent the money.”

While that may be true, there are two problems with this answer.

The first is that he looks completely woebegone when he says it, and that is not how our Truth feels.

His expression is the result of self-judgment in this moment.

The second is that he’s using wishful thinking—which has its place, but not when you’re trying to get out of a pickle.

I tell him: “If you hadn’t spent the money, you’d have done something else reckless because you were trying to avoid your painful feelings in that moment. The real question to ask yourself is, ‘Now that I’ve taken an action that brings me difficulty, if I loved myself, what would I do now?’”

He nods. “How do I love myself even after I’ve done something so stupid?”

I smile. His humor is a good sign that he’s calming down.

Then he continues: “I guess I’d say to myself, ‘I’m learning. This isn’t great, but it’ll probably help me realize that money won’t fix my self-esteem issues. I won’t do something like this again—it’s a really awful feeling.

If I loved myself, I would pat myself on the head kindly, keep saying reassuring things and start looking for a way to get out of the mess I made while I felt scared.”

If you loved yourself, what would you say to yourself about something you're not happy with now?