Lats week I lost my marbles a little bit because things were so good.
How weird is that?
It's been a real gift.
Let me explain what happened.
I told you last week how much I’m loving my new calendar.
I’ve designed it just for me.
So in the first week of 2021, back at work, I suddenly had time for something I’ve been wanting to do scheduled into my day.
What?
It took me by surprise.
I’m so used to my old schedule where I feel obligated to all sorts of things but here I was, faced with a daily schedule that was considerate of my needs and desires, first and foremost.
Basically, it was like someone really loves me and made a plan for me to have all my favourite things.
Regularly.
And all of a sudden there was this pocket of time in my day, especially for my thing.
It was SO LOVELY.
So do you know what I did?
I freaked out.
Truly. I did.
I suddenly felt stressed and distressed and confused. “What should I do? There’s so much I need to do. What should I start with? I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel clear-headed to start. I don’t feel open-hearted and joyful. I feel scared and confused.”
Now, I have a personal rule that I don’t create anything when I’m not in alignment with my joy. That way whatever I create carries the energy of love and joy.
So thankfully I stopped.
‘Cos frankly, I was a mess.
I didn’t know what had just happened or why.
“If I loved myself, what would I do now?” I asked myself in confusion.
Well, if I loved myself, I’d give myself permission to be in a tizz. I’d reassure myself that there is plenty of time and that if I miss out on this window of time, I’ve scheduled in more. More will be coming. And I’d allow myself to be rather dysfunctional in this time-gap.
So I allowed myself the mess.
I did manage to listen to a podcast which I’ll share with you soon.
But I actually had to lie down on my couch and stay calm to listen to it.
Too much happiness and freedom.
The surprise of it wiped me out.
All the ‘Shoulds’ I’m used to abiding by rose up in the quiet space I had opened.
Isn’t that wild? It was supposed to be a loving gift, time to do what I'd been longing to do, and it frightened part of me so badly I couldn't do it.
It made me understand some of the things that have been driving me to schedule other people's need ahead of mine all these years and that is a great gift for me - because now I can love my younger self who has those fears and shift those old beliefs.
It’s really simple to create the life you want.
You just have to decide that you will do the things you love to do.
But it’s not always easy.
Sometimes, when you finally bravely make a change you've been longing to make, the first thing you are faced with is all the fears and beliefs that kept you from doing it all along.
It doesn't mean you should stop your change.
It just means you have an opportunity to see what you've been doing and why.
Only when you can SEE what's going on inside you do you have the power to choose what you REALLY want for yourself. It's the chance to free yourself from being driven silently by old hidden fears.
So be gentle with yourself as you go along.
If your history comes up and punches you in the face when you take a brave step forward, lie down a while and compassionately give yourself the time and space to recover.
Then keep stepping forward.
If you loved yourself, how would you be gentle with yourself in this moment?
