How can you choose to love when you DON'T feel loving?
(pg 152 in You Have Permission to Exist).
"That day started badly for me. I’d gone to bed late, so I wasn’t happy when my young son woke me very early the next morning. I noticed that I was feeling unhappy and emotionally withdrawn. As I focused on this, I became aware that my emotions were starting to sink. This didn’t bode well. It’s going to be a rough morning, my mind told me.
The thing is, I’d actually received a gift in that moment: I’d noticed my funk, and that gave me a choice. I could choose to either spiral down or to take the next turnoff. Having previously experimented with sinking deeper into a grumpy mood, I know I definitely prefer to take the turnoff.
To express that in terms of needs: I’ve tried various ways of meeting my needs for inner peace and safety on those types of days and have found that my needs are most effectively met when I choose to think kind thoughts.
You can change your thought stream.
The easiest way I’ve found to do this is to use ALLOW and ask myself, “If I loved myself, what would I choose to think now?”
I find it absolutely fascinating how the thoughts I have straight after I ask this question are kind, gentle, and positive. It’s amazing how quickly they can flip!
My internal dialogue that morning ran something like this: Ugh, I didn’t get enough sleep, now my child wants attention, and it’s the last thing I feel like doing. Help! What can I do about this yukky feeling? Oh yes, the Love Question! OK, if I loved myself, what would I choose to think now? Hmmm, I’d focus on what’s good about this. OK, well it is special to have this little person wake up wanting to love me. That’s amazing, actually. He’s helping me open up to love even now, when my heart is closed and grumpy. I’m glad for that. And I do want to open my heart to love. What a precious gift to get first thing in the morning—a reminder to open my heart no matter how I’m feeling. I’m so happy to wake up in a house where love is openly shared ...
After this, I was able to joyfully gather my son into my arms when literally two minutes before I’d felt like Dragon-Mommy, wanting to push him away angrily.
If I’ve made it sound effortless—it wasn’t. I’ve had a lot of practice at this by now. The key is that I was willing to let go of my tragically unmet sleep needs, and to shift my focus to the needs that were being met: love and connection.
This is so effective but can be really hard to do—we can be very attached to our negative feelings.
Here’s how changing your thought-stream might play out:
The first tentative positive thought pops up to test your willingness. “Maybe things aren’t so bad?” it suggests.
“But I do feel bad,” you declare, stomping your foot.
Choice made! The grump deepens as you turn toward the thoughts that support it.
Alternatively, let’s say you manage to stay open to that first thought. “Maybe things aren’t so bad?” it suggests.
“Oh, really?” you ask yourself. “Let me try to think of what isn’t that bad right now.”
Choice made! Your mood lightens as you turn toward thoughts that support it.
At any point, you have the choice to allow your thoughts to ease you out of a funk or take you deeper in. Choice, choice, choice.
The choice point is the moment when you become aware you have a pleasant or unpleasant thought. It’s as if a thought is saying, “Here I am. Will you follow me?” The decision is yours.
The feelings that come with the thought indicate whether the thought is meeting your deeper needs or not. In my example, I could choose to move away from that more optimistic thought and stay grumpy, or I could lean into it. One pleasant thought is quickly followed by the next and they build up until I feel better. Feeling better affirms that our deeper needs are being met—and that always makes us happier. It might seem too simple to believe, but try it, and you’ll see.
There’s a funny thing, though. Sometimes we choose thoughts that make us feel bad. It depends on what our needs are in that moment.
Sometimes we choose to do the things we know aren’t ‘good’ for us. This isn’t ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’; it’s usually just the only way we can see to meet our needs in that moment.
For example, if your real need is for silence, staying grumpy may allow you to withdraw and be quiet, which you may not trust yourself to do if you were feeling ‘better’. Using ALLOW at those times often gives you an option to meet your need in a more pleasant way.
I’ve noticed that there are moments we seem to need to turn away from ourselves.
Maybe it’s so we can feel how painful it is to distance ourselves from self-love and how joyful it is to find our way back.
Maybe we sometimes learn to love ourselves by doing what’s not loving so we can discover the difference. If you think about it, many self-help books (including this one) are about the amazing things the author has learned from finding their way to self-love after not loving themselves enough.
We’re always trying to meet our needs; as we explore different ways, we discover which are more useful to us.
If you’re not satisfied with the way you think and feel, there may be more effective and loving ways of meeting your needs. Use the trusty Love Question to help you discover them.
Wherever you are in your thoughts and feelings right now, it’s OK. It’s just part of your journey. It’s your way of meeting your deeper needs.
That morning when I woke up so grumpy, I had to ask myself the Love Question more than once. More than twice, too. I needed to ALLOW and ALLOW and ALLOW!
Thoughts are secreted every split second, and if we’re emotionally wobbly, we tend to gravitate to thoughts that feel bad.
For most of that morning, I fluctuated wildly between being Nice-Mommy and Dragon-Mommy, connecting to love one minute and resentment the next. It was far from perfect—but if I hadn’t been using the Love Question to consciously meet my needs for safety and consideration, there would only have been Dragon-Mommy.
We have to celebrate small results, too.
In general, the more I focus on functioning from a place of self-love, the more my needs are met and the more I walk around feeling good and safe and loved.
Then I’m much nicer to others and generally less emotionally wobbly because I have an easily accessible store of kindness inside me.
If I loved myself, what would I choose to think now?
Life is lovelier and more manageable when we feel loved and know our needs will be taken care of—by ourselves.
Pause now, take a breath and say something kind to yourself."
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