Traditionally this is a time of year you spend with family and beloveds.
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, school holidays, Thanksgiving, New Year’s Eve… all strongly emphasise togetherness, hope and joy.
It’s really wonderful... unless you dread time with your family, or you don't have family.
If, for example, your parents drive you nuts, or you feel trapped by having children, or if the same old dynamics always play out around the table every year, or if you feel grief because you’ve lost family through death or divorce, or you feel loneliness because you have no family – or none that you want to acknowledge anyway… this can be a tough time.
Sometimes being with family really is warm and cosy like they show in the Christmas movies.
And sometimes it isn’t.
It's important to acknowledge both experiences.
If your reality doesn’t align with the dreamy vision of 'how family should be', it’s difficult not to tear your hair and rend your garments in despair, hopelessness and sadness at this time of year.
If you are lucky enough to have a family you actually want to spend time with, family gatherings can still be challenging.
Our topic of focus is self-love and self-loving choices this December, so what does this have to do with that?
The thing is, time with family really brings us face-to-face with the ways we learned we are unlovable, and we get to see the self-critical habits we were taught.
It's the way your mother always says that thing, the way your father looks at you, the different treatment you and your siblings receive, the too smallness or too bigness of your family, the expectations you always hate but comply with anyway, the feelings you remember from when you were small...
Essentially, what I'm saying, is that you get front row seats for the show called, ‘How I learned to not love myself, deny myself and make choices I regret because I want to please others.’
It’s a fantastic opportunity to make deep changes to the way you love yourself.
I like to send my clients off to take notes and observe their family dynamics so that we can process their experiences in the months to come. It’s like gathering nuts to chew on later. The nuttier your family, the more there is to collect.
People usually come back and say, “NOW I know why I am the way I am!”
Go on, take notes this year, I dare you. Whip out that phone and make a Note To Self every time you notice yourself becoming anxious, upset, frustrated, judgemental, depressed…
Then practice making new choices. More self-loving actions.
This time is a great time to see and step out of your old patterns, heal your emotional wounds and begin to love yourself the way you longed to be loved as a child. Keep that as your focus and even the hair-ripping times will become more bearable.
The idea is, be the loving family for yourself that you wish you had. Say to yourself the things you long to hear from them, look at yourself the way you wish they looked at you... be there for you!
If you are family-starved, look for ways you can create family-like environments for yourself that will feel loving and nourishing. Gather other family-challenged people and share a meal. Find somewhere to volunteer and help homeless people or abused women and children. Spend time with friends.
Make any alone-time a self-love retreat and plan wonderful treats for yourself during this time. Do a journaling and meditation feast. Learn to dance or paint or something else you’ve always longed to do... Make this a time you can look back on with a smile and satisfaction that you cared for yourself as best you could.
It doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough for you.
Any time you aren't sure what to do, ask yourself
“If I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?”
