Were you also taught it’s not OK to say what you prefer?
Or to ask for what you want...?
Or to say yes and receive...?
We’re often urged to put others first, give rather than take, not be rude by asking for what we need, be polite, not hurt other people’s feelings, and so on.
It is really important to be considerate in your relationships. Don't stop doing that.
But if you live ONLY according to the give-more-than-you-receive doctrine in your relationships, it's a disaster waiting to happen!
You see, when you say no to yourself more than to others, you'll likely overlook yourself.
Then if your needs aren’t shouting for attention, you probably won’t attend to them.
It's like you will have to reach breaking point before you acknowledge that something’s out of balance.
For people who tend to say no to themselves a lot, and who apologise when they say ‘yes’ to their own needs, it requires extreme things like a crisis, illness, depression, or chronic low energy to shift them into giving themselves permission to say no.
And then it's usually an unhappy, defensive 'no'.
It's not very constructive for you or those around you.
I mean, we all know what happens to martyrs...
The people you love and help need you to be alive and OK— and that can only happen if you look after your needs.
It’s not selfish, it’s essential.
Expressing your preferences and setting honest boundaries in a relationship actually honors both parties’ needs, so that your relationship can keep evolving.
I know it’s not always easy.
It’s common to think that we aren’t allowed to say no or to expect something in return for things we give, but if you don't do it you'll end up feeling resentful and unfulfilled.
And that won't help your relationship at all.
You have to keep an eye on your GIve-Take Balance.
It's called 'balance' for a reason.
If you ever feel resentment or reluctance in a situation, know that these feelings are gifts.
They are making you aware of an imbalance.
When that happens, take your journal, give yourself some time to withdraw, and assess your giving habits by asking yourself these questions:
What do I give?
When do I give this?
Why do I give this?
If I truly loved myself, what would I choose to give?
What do I want to say yes to right now?
Who am I serving if I withhold it from myself?
What will the end-result be for me and for them?
What do I want to say no to right now?
Who am I serving if I don’t let myself express that?
What will the end-result be for me and for them?
Am I OK with that?
If you loved yourself, what would you say to yourself about your give-take balance now?
