I keep seeing people confusing kindness with not setting boundaries.
It’s like we think that nice people don’t get to say no, or say what they want.
But you know what?
Nice guys who set healthy boundaries, and who express what they want and need...
DON’T finish last.
They thrive.
They live happy, healthy, well-adjusted lives and have genuine, satisfying, respectful relationships.
Over and over again, beautiful, kind, generous people in my practice gaze at me with big distressed eyes because someone is taking advantage of them but they feel bad to stop what’s happening.
“Put it this way”, I said to someone in this situation recently, “it’s like you keep your home clean and you have a fridge that you make sure is full of good food for you and your family. Your neighbour regularly pops over and clearly envies your clean home and what’s in your fridge.
So you offer them some. You are kind. You want to share. You don’t want them to feel bad. You want to educate them about how to make a home nice and what sort of things to stock in their fridge for maximum health and joy.
Now they come over regularly without being invited and just go to your fridge and take what they want. You don’t feel comfortable with it but you want to be generous.
A while ago you bravely asked them to please replace the things they use a lot of that you also need.
They haven’t done it.
You asked again.
They still haven’t done it.
They continue to come over.
You have feelings about it but are not sure what to do.
How do you say to someone, ‘When you come to visit, please don’t just go to my fridge and take things anymore.’
That seems rude and petty and unwelcoming.
So you stretch your generous heart and keep giving.
Then one day you run out of milk and you go over and ask them for milk from their fridge.
They are angry and shocked that you should ask them for theirs.
‘Milk is expensive you know!’ they shout.
Now you feel hurt and confused but you don’t know what to do about it.
It seems like an impossible situation to resolve.
How do you get out of it?
To me, from outside this situation, it looks really simple.
They are adults.
They have resources.
They have their own fridge.
"Why on earth do you all think it’s ok for them to come and take your stuff?" I ask.
“Well, it's expensive. They don't want to buy it. I choose to buy it because it's important to me“, is the answer I receive.
“Ok, that’s fine. Those are their choices. But why do you believe you should buy those things and let them use them when they are perfectly capable of buying their own?”
“I don’t know. I’m being kind…?”
“No. You’re actually being UNkind.
You are abusing your own generosity by offering it repeatedly to someone who does not appreciate what you give.
That’s very disrespectful to your giving heart.
It’s unkind to you.
And you are in fact also being unkind to them.
You’re not helping them.
You’re disabling them by allowing them to continue with behaviour and stories that damage relationships and keep them unconscious.
‘Kind’ would be to lovingly tell them you understand they don’t want to buy their own things but that it isn’t your responsibility to do it for them.
That even though it’s hard for them, you are not willing, or able, to fund their choices anymore. That it is impacting on your household and you need to stop.
That’s kind. To you and to them.”
Please hear this my generous-hearted friends.
To set healthy boundaries you don’t have to be mean.
You don’t have to be dramatic.
You can be quiet and compassionate.
But do you have to do it.
If you DON’T do it, what are you creating for yourself and others?
What will happen to you if you don’t say what you need?
What will happen to the relationship?
That’s not kind.
If you loved yourself, where would you set a kind boundary in your life now?
