"But I can't say THAT to him!" she exclaims in shock when I ask her if she's told him what she needs.
"Why not?" I want to know.
"Because... because... I don't know, it's embarrassing. And what if he says no? Or worse, what if he says yes but he doesn't actually want to and then I know he's doing it because I asked him to..."
Her face is a picture of horror and distaste as she contemplates this, and her shoulders are hunched up so high they're practically at eyebrow level!
"If you DON'T ask, what will happen?" I pursue.
She thinks a while then says, "Well... more of the same I guess. Nothing."
She's thoughtful as we sit together in silence.
Then, "But HOW do I ask for what I need?" she wonders.
Here's the thing.
Many of us have learned to believe that what we want is either not important, or it's embarrassing to have needs and desires, or that it's pushy to ask for things we want.
But the problem is, if you don't ask, how can anyone know what you want or need?
And if they don't know what you want or need, they can't even try to give it to you.
Then you are left feeling disappointed and alone and like your needs don't matter.
Even if they care very much and really want to try to please you, because you don't say what you need, they're left having to guess what you might desire and when they get it wrong, they feel bad AND your needs will still remain unmet.
Having unmet needs is what leads to all of our unhappy feelings and most of our regretful actions.
Like when you look for happiness and reassurance inside that ice cream bowl...
Or seek peace of mind by scrolling on your phone...
Or expect someone to just know exactly how you like it done...
We all know how THAT turns out.
So how do you express your needs and ask for what you want?
I actually have a need at the moment and I feel awkward to ask you for it.
So I thought, "Why don't I use this as an opportunity to model asking for something."
Here it is.
How to ask for what you need.
Become aware of the unmet need by noticing your feelings of discomfort. In other words, Acknowledge your discomfort, don't ignore it.
I feel sadness and some tension because my new book doesn't have any reviews yet.
Get clear about the situation and what my need is.
If a book doesn't get reviews Amazon takes it off the 'shelves' and puts in in the archives so it's not visible to people who are browsing. I need people to post reviews otherwise my book will disappear into the Amazon depths - but I feel uncomfortable to ask because even though I believe in my book and I want people to be able to access it, I don't want to bother anyone by asking them for reviews.
Ask the Love Question. If I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?
Listen for the answer that arises within you.
If I loved myself I would tell myself that I have permission to exist. It's ok for me to express my need and ask people for what I want. It's not bad or shameful or a nuisance. People are responsible for their own responses. If they don't want to, they don't have to - but some people will be happy to help me spread the word by posting a short review. If I don't ask, it definitely won't happen.
Walk the next step. Take a small step in the direction of your Truth. In my case, ask. Here goes:
If you are willing to write a few lines about your thoughts of this book, I would really appreciate it. You don't need to have read the whole book. You might even only have read one page so far - but if you know my work and like it, click here http://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0BPMSH1B4
and write your short review answering these questions:
What do you like about this book?
What does it inspire in you?
What would you say to someone who is wondering if they should buy this book or not?
You can get as creative as you want when writing a review. You can even make a little video of you speaking about the book, or include a photo of you holding it. Amazon ranks photos and videos higher so they help. If you feel uncertain what to do, just go into Amazon and read some reviews of any Brene Brown book.
Reviews are lifeblood for an author nowadays and your review will help me SO much. And I read them :) Thank you in advance.
PS If you have either of my books on Kindle or Audible, those ratings they ask for at the end are gifts to me. Scroll to the end of your Kindle book (or click on 'Rate and Review' in the Audible book) and click on five stars and write a few lines. A review for my first book would also REALLY help me. The link for that book is here http://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B07XRRH981
PPS If you try to post the review and are told your account has not met the minimum eligibility requirements to write a review, don't worry. Amazon has specific spend and other requirements. In that case please email your beautiful review directly to me so I can use it on my website!
