"People are so stupid sometimes" she says, exasperated in our therapy session.
"How can they not see that if they take that action it will hurt me and cause harm to others around them? I’m sorry to sound so judgemental but I’m shocked at how stupid people can be and how much harm they can cause. Can’t they just pause a moment and think and be considerate?"
"Well", I replied, "you have to be pretty conscious and aware of what you're doing and who you are to be considerate enough of others to choose different behaviour.
The sad fact is that many of us are just in survival mode and we can’t see beyond staying safe. So we often do things that harm ourselves and others because we can only focus on the moment and not on the bigger picture.
When you find yourself around someone who cannot look after themselves well, when you realise someone is not aware of themselves and how their actions impact on others, you’d have to be pretty stupid to not look after yourself around them".
The last words slipped out of my mouth before I had the chance to catch them.
'Stupid' is not really a word I use in my life, and certainly not with my clients...
I held my breath a little and waited to see how she would react.
She stared at me for a silent moment and then burst out laughing!
After a startled moment I joined in and we laughed until we were quite breathless.
"Oh", she said mid-laughter, pulling out her journal, "I have to write that down!"
"What are you writing down?" I asked.
"I’d have to be stupid not to look after myself", she said. "I really got that now!"
We both laughed again at the irony of the mirror she had been looking into.
She was calling other people stupid for not looking after her, when in fact it was her that was being 'stupid' by not looking after herself in obviously unsafe spaces.
"Oh", she said wiping her eyes from the laughter, "that was so much fun".
"Yes", I said, "it’s always fun when your therapist calls you stupid!"
And we collapsed laughing again.
The task of looking after yourself is yours.
When you hand that task over to other people, you are not looking after yourself.
Then you land up feeling like you can’t trust other people because they let you down but it was you who didn't look after yourself well.
To be able to trust other people, you have to be able to trust yourself to have your back and to look after your needs.
Then it doesn’t really matter what other people do because you are looking after yourself lovingly and you always feel safe and cared for.
If you loved yourself, where would you take back your responsibility to make sure you're ok now?
