Hi Friend

I told you yesterday about how I lost everything at once while pregnant and homeless. I had broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, only to discover I was already six months pregnant. I was out of town, on a job site building a start-up restaurant and rehabbing a nightclub. Not to mention, I was desperately regretting the breakup. I was so sick, but I thought it was due to stress and emotions. Due to hormonal issues, I have a history of not having my cycle, so it didn't occur to me I was pregnant. 

So, here's the back story. I was in a toxic relationship by choice. 🤦‍♀️ 

He'd recently divorced his wife when we met and didn't want to avoid being a serious relationship. So, I agreed to an open relationship, although I was falling deeply in love with him. I convinced myself that it was what I wanted, I mean, I was dating other people, but I could feel it. I was betraying myself. I was making yet another fatal mistake.

Similarly, I ignored the feelings that were telling me something important within my friendship circle. But, I was focused on the wrong things which caused me to betray myself here, too. Although I was seeking to define my own identity, I was lost in the role of everyone's perception of me. At the time, I couldn't see it. Especially since I was so busy pleasing people and trying to make everyone else happy. I had no idea; I'd lost my voice and relinquished my power of choice in the relationship and everywhere else in my life. 👀

There were so many good times between him and me; we created our experiential reality when we were together. It was like all space and time faded to black, where we transcended into a bubble of light.✨

Despite his constant declaration of wanting to be single and desire to find himself, I was oblivious to his emotional struggle. So, I rationalized. Of course, I understood completely. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be free after a dissolving a horrible marriage? Not to mention the fear of being hurt again; how could I expect him to trust? But, his actions of affection were opposite his words. He treated me as if we WERE in a serious, committed relationship.

There were all sorts of mental rationalizations I came up with. They sounded good. It was all true. So, I allowed my head to manipulate my heart because I was so used to stuffing my feelings deep down inside that they couldn't even register to me.

So, I coped with addictions of all kinds. Marathon TV watching alone in the dark is known as stage one depression. Compulsive shopping while letting other parts of my life fall apart. I used sex as power and control, alcohol and drugs to numb the feelings.

If it hadn't been for the longstanding spiritual journey of life purpose and healing, I chased after. I can't say if I'd still be alive. Sometimes I just wanted to give up, hide and die.

Sure I loved my family and friends. And I absolutely loved him. So, I tolerated his power plays, threats of other women, and aloofness. He was stubborn and obstinate, but he was in love with me. I just didn't love myself.

Throughout our dating, he opened his heart. He did things I knew that made him question his why. It was undeniable that together our energy would ignite the world. So, I patiently waited. Hopelessly in love.

Yet he struggled with his internal feelings, passion, and desire for me. My friends also had this issue, especially regarding loyalty, honesty, and the female bond. Even though I had a smile, I hated my life and didn't understand why God chose me for this divine purpose.

But, I held on and continued to practice the methods and formulas I was downloading to self-heal. Through the experience of life, I was learning how to manifest what I truly desired. 

My mission today is to prevent you from making those same mistakes I made, in your future. I want to guarantee you avoid them so that you never feel the same way I did.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the rest of the story and how I put an end to toxic living.

Demi Black

Namaste

P.S. what happens next is earth-shattering

#iamnotbroken