| | | Disappointment is a skilful teacher.
People disappoint us. The weather disappoints us. Our plans don't go to plan. We get caught up in a pattern where we don't see the destruction until it's too late, and in the thick of it, we didn't know how to ask for help. We disappoint ourselves. We disappoint others.
I have found disappointment - disappointing others and disappointing myself - a really heavy weight to bare.
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Even, just hearing the word "disappointment" feels more like a weapon disguised a word that can cut through me and bleed my dry. That is, I used to feel the deep wound of disappointment until I meditated with Dhuvamati.
Dhuvamati is the darkness, the void, the stillness of the eternal present the nothingness of everything.
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Dhumavati is the goddess of despair, sadness, failure, disapointment and letting go.
Dhumavati embodies the dark, deep, ugly truths; the mistakes, the suffering pains - that we fear to look at. Dhumavati is the parts of us and of society that we would rather turn a blind eye. Dhumavati is the crone, the outcast, the segregated, the disowned.
Yet Dhumavati brings some of the greatest gifts on the path awakening. Without walking as Dhumavati, we remain trapped by dreams of vain success and even more trapped by our fears of loss, especially the losses that come from illness and the suffering from not letting go.
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In any growth process or creative process, this is a difficult but necessary stage of void. It's that awful long pause ------- where These are the times where you must face the disappointment you feel as if swimming to other side of the lake (where you can't see the shore) is the only option. You must in this instance, let go of all expectation and let go of the desire for comfort, money, recognition, even spiritual experience.
It's this time when you find yourself in a state of emptiness, vulnerability, it's being broken open by disappointment and failure to live up to expectations of yourself.
This is Dhumavati.
These states are also an invitation. Dhumavati can take you down into the cave of your soul to lead you to a lightness, appreciation and acceptance for all that is - as dark as it - it is. Since, it is, then, it is love too.
The great teaching here is that "the ugly" is a teacher in life. When you perceive "the ugly" (disappointment, failure, loss, illness) as ugly - you are, in fact, perceiving it as ugly because of your fear of loss and/or your judgement of loss, due to your fear of loss.
Instead, in the instance, where you accept Dhuvmati rather than judge her, in this moment we let go of our fear of loss, then, in this moment, we embrace the ugly, and then, there is only beauty.
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In Europe, we are approaching the darkest night, the shortest night of the year. Let's venture into the void before we turn towards the lightening and brightening of days into the new year.
INTO THE VOID TO EMBRACE DHUMAVATI
Take a few deep breaths, breathe down deeply into your belly and ground into your body. Close your eyes. Visit the darkness. Take a few deep breaths here. Take your awareness to the back of your head. Be with yourself in darkness behind your eyes.
Let's invite the parts of you that you may have disowned.
When you feel you have failed or have disappointed yourself, how do you see yourself? Could you look at yourself with the same love that you do when you've had a success? Or do you reject yourself? Or do you condemn yourself? Why do you think you do this? How could you look at yourself with the same love that you do when you've had a success?
When you think of another person who has failed or disappointed themselves or has an illness - do you feel empathic towards them? Do you want to avoid them? Would you prefer keep your distance? Or could you invite them to sit with you?
When you think of someone who has disappointed you or failed you - how do you see them? Do you feel empathic towards them? Or do you feel anger? Do you want to cancel them out your life? How could you look at them with love?
From all that you have read here, bring to mind a human embodiment of Dhumavati - this could be a homeless man, a sick friend, a brankrupt friend, an outcast, an old woman or an old man, a crow, it could be a version of you - or however Dhumavati represents for you.
Now put your own failures and disappointments into your represtantion of Dhuvmati. Embrace, accept and love these disowned parts of yourself.
You may repeat this as many times as you need and you may also allow your representation of Dhuvmati to embody those who have disappointed and failed you; in your imagination, the darkness of your psyche, embrace them, accept them and love them so you can let the suffering go.
Let go, Friend.
In letting go, you're really letting love in.
| | | There's one more question left to ask ~>
what's the best that can happen?
Sending love, Heidi
H E I D I L I D H O L M love life, live love. devotion to your authentic wellness. heidilidholm.com | |
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