Hi Friend,
"Have you got me?!"
That fatal turning point when the bubbly sense of joy, pride and accomplishment gets bulldozed by the realisation -
now, I have to let go of the crack on the steep rock face,
lean back as if I'm flying...
TRUST the person is holding me,
and TRUST that this person is going to continue to hold me,
as I walk down the rock face like spider woman.
What I didn't bank on when I started climbing in 2019 was that I had an unresolved trauma when I fell off a cliff when I was 16.
Suddenly, that nicely "forgotten" memory came loudly blasting into my mind.
At the top of the crack, I found myself in a state suspended in time - feeling the momentum of the fall 16 years ago as if it was happening again in real-time.
But it wasn't happening again.
I wasn't falling.
Everything was perfectly safe.
I was attached to a top with an experienced climber; a person who I trusted.
None of that mattered in the moment.
In the moment, I was back in 2004, repeatedly falling 30m.
"I can't come down."
"No way, I can't do it."
"All you have to do is lean back"
"I am holding you."
"You can let go entirely, I am holding you."
"Are you insane??"
"I can't let go!!"
"Ok, ok, ok! Let me breathe through this!"
I started weeding through my mind for rational thoughts.
I could recall that when I was aged 11, 12 that abseiling was my favourite part of climbing.
mI loved the descent the most.
But it was really hard to try to tap into that memory when the trauma memory was glaring over it.
You see, in 2004, I went on a 6 week expedition to Zambia, Africa.
I was 16, when eighteen 16 year old girls, 2 music teachers from our school and an "expedition guide" (more like a male unskilled, immoral narcissist) embarked on the expedition.
Luckily, this was just before the internet took off, and luckily we were so naive that we all made it home alive.
I was the one who fell off the cliff.
We had travelled by RAFT - yes, rafts; wooden pallets on barrels. One raft for the bags and one raft for us; down the Zambezi river. Merrily, merrily down the Zambezi on rafts for 5 hours we went.
That's not even close to being the worst or most shocking part of the trip. At the time, on the budget and trip we were on barrel rafts on the Zambezi was perfectly acceptable and safe.
We have now camped for 4 nights on a raised sand dune along the river. The two local "guides" would keep fires burning at night to keep lions away and sit on the rafts on the shore's edge during the day to keep the alligators away.
I'm not even slightly joking.
There was 3 girls to a tent, and the girl on breakfast duty would get up at 4.30am to make the porridge and by 5.30am we had to be trekking to be back by 11.00am before the sun got too hot.
On the way back to base on the last day, I was chit chatting with one of the girls. I could see our orange tents around the corner of the cliff. We were scaling the side of the cliff - hopping over rocks - fairly basic and steady, but at quite a height, 30m or so. Suddenly, for some reason, I decide instead of climbing down a few steps to get back up, I would just jump onto the overhanging rock (that everyone else went under) - as I clung to the rock, realising in the same moment there was no where for my feet, I began to slide off the rock.
Oh -
sh*t!
In that moment, time stood still and became very dense, I heard a whisper as if it was in my left ear, but also, as if it was very vast in the atmosphere that ushered
"flop everything".
I did exactly that. I put my arms loosely around my head and let my body completely "relax". I bounced from rock to rock like test-dummy-body falling from a cliff.
It gets worse.
Now I have rolled off the rocks, I'm belly down and I start sliding down feet first down the sand bank.
As my feet entered the water, I started to become conscious. By the time it hit my thighs, I remembered that I had my dad's video camera around my waist. I tried to stop my momentum from sliding further into the water by digging my arms into the sand at my sides.
All the girls were still screaming.
As I almost stopped myself. The two local guides were jumping down to me and in that same moment swooped me up out of water and carried me up on to some higher rocks.
Trying to stand with my feet on the rock,
and regain my full consciousness - they pointed to sand bank where they had just captured me from -
there were 2 alligators closing in on the land.
Wait!
What???
That's just too much.
Anyway, I didn't really have time or capacity or anyone to process this trauma with - plus, how could it be trauma when I didn't even have a scratch!
Yup, you heard me.
I feel off 30m of rocky descent with nada to show for it.
I did however have a bandage on nose on account of the bad reaction I was having to the malaria tablets - but no scratch,
so let's not think about that fall ever again.
Ok?
Deal.
Yeah.... that's not how trauma works.
I've learned in through a few incidents in my life that unresolved trauma gets stored deep in your body and mind.
Two weeks ago, I got back into climbing,
and this morning I was on the rock by 8.15am.
I climbed 3 routes and I absolutely NAILED the abseil.
I could lean back, say "ready" and start walking like spider woman down the face of the rock.
I didn't even think about the fall from 2004.
I was fully present in the moment.
Trusting myself and congratulating myself.
Victory.
Sweet personal victory.
Life is so precious.
Life is so alive.
Be patient with yourself.
Listen to your body.
Yet, take the risks.
Your body and your mind can mend.
We can retrain your neural pathways beyond trauma.
We seem to have a radicalised notion that "healing" means you that you become this "perfect", "enlightened" being
when that's not it.
Healing is a constant revolution of loving and accepting yourself.
Healing is a constant evolution becoming whole with yourself.
When you are healed and when you are whole,
you are still vulnerable, emotional
and you can still makes mistakes - actually mistakes become more like risks as you become better and better at braving storms.
As you continue to walk your personal journey,
your personal healing will keep evolving with you.
Ok, so now I love abseiling -
but what happens if I'm higher and more exposed,
not on a rope,
or I'm alpine climbing in winter and a blizzard surrounds me...
I will breathe.
I will trust myself.
I will remain calm in the moment and recall the sweet personal victories.
Keep showing up for yourself.
Don't get caught up in others expectations or comparison.
Step by step,
each time you take a step forward,
no matter how small
is a step away from fear
and a step towards trusting,
healing and loving yourself.
Be where you are.
Appreciate where you are.
Love who you be.
Feel good being you.
It's an honour to get to hold space for clients so that they can explore past memories, resolve the pain and reset the memory with love and compassion.
I hold a safe listening space to share raw truths and realisations about what you may need to
admit and to see,
process emotionally and spiritually - crying, anger, disappointment, shame, guilt
release from their body
restore within themselves
actions to do to make this new integration into a new way of life
Trough a holistic approach, you receive a personal
mantra (mind)
movement (body)
meditation (spirit)
emotion potion
so that you can sooth your nervous system, relieve stress, calm your mind and resolve pain from your body
while you integrate the intention of the session.
I am brewing a whole new batch of emotions potions tomorrow, with some more info to follow later in the week.
I wish a well and wonderful beginning to July!
There's one more question left to ask ~>
what's the best that can happen?
Sending love,
Heidi
H E I D I L I D H O L M
love life, live love; from the inside out
heidilidholm.com
