I arrived off the bus in Hallinden,

a platform in a field in the Swedish countryside.

I was invited at the last minute by a friend to go climbing

in a part of the country I had never been.
I had never even been on a bus in Sweden before.

Of course, my phone battery had died.

I was relieved by the landscape.

Maybe a town would be more comforting for most, but I prefer being amongst the trees.

I found a sunny spot and started doing yoga stretches.

I was calm and happy and curious,

a little apprehensive.

I didn't fully understand the screenshots of maps and messages that he sent before my battery died.

I hope that he got message that regardless of the maps, the final agreement was to meet me at the bus stop.

It was approaching 18.30 in mid-May.

As I looked left and right across the road,

there were no buildings, no landmarks, no houses, no aspects of the map that I could recall, so I continued with my phoneless, laptopless, musicless wait.

As the time counted, my ego started to get louder.

I started to feel abandoned and unimportant,

like nobody cared.

Sadness and anger started to build in my body.

It reminded of me being left at the gate,

late after school, when all the other kids had been collected;

thinking "have they forgotten about me?"

"how come work is more important than me?"

I started to get pissed off.

I started to get annoyed and defensive;

"this is shitty!!"

"he clearly doesn't care about me!"

"he definitely doesn't respect me!"

"you're such a fool, heidi!"

"nobody cares about you!"

"how dare he!!"

I took a few deep breaths.

Through the glimmers of peace, I could see how often I have used this angry defense mechanism of being pissed off to protect myself (instead of being able to calmly, lovingly and easily communicate my feelings).

Was I going to continue with this defensive mechanism pattern or could I be prepared to surrender it?

Could I release it today?

What if I exchanged the pattern for something new?

At a deeper, more aware level, I knew I didn't want to be pissed off - nothing good ever comes from it.

But I was pissed off.

I was annoyed, or at least the situation was re-alerting my brain to this pattern of protecting myself.

So I acknowledged my feelings to myself.

"OK, I'm annoyed."

"OK, I'm pissed off... ok... and beneath that Heidi, what are you really feeling?"

"I'm sad.""

Who's sad?"

"The little Heidi left at school is sad,

and all the Heidi's after that are angry."

"We don't want to be sad and angry anymore"

Are you ready to love her now?

I told this little Heidi how loved and important she is - I told her I loved her and she is important to me.

I told her how fun and bright she is.

I told her how much she will enjoy herself.

I reminded her to look at the trees and the incredible rock formations of the Bohuslän region and how cool it was to be exploring a new place in Sweden. I reminded her of how calm and confident she is and that she can handle every situation with ease and grace (remember all the practice you've had!! ;)  

I explained that I understood her feelings, and that people in your life love her, and they have the best of intentions, yet sometimes delays occur and their own stuff gets in the way of their plans. It has nothing to do her. I reminded her how great she is at entertaining herself and that maybe it's best to start practising to not allow another's actions to dictate her emotional state. Wouldn't that be cool?

What could you do with the time?

What would feel good right now? 

So I took out my journal and started to write,

I got lost in the pages.

Almost immediately, my friend turned up

with coffee, snacks,

a big apology,

a huge hug

and a plan for redemption.

My friend was also super relieved that I wasn't angry or annoyed,

as was I. ;)