Changing from within is practical and more fruitful in the long term, even when it's more challenging than blaming another, running away, repeating the same fallacies, masking it with medication and/or addictions in the short term. It's worth it, so hang in there!
To pursue balance, the change has to begin within. Therefore, you have to accept responsibility in new ways for yourself, meaning: take responsibility for your own needs and wants,
so that you can begin,
step by step,
starting with where you are,
to create the change in you, which will create change around you.
=> What are you avoiding giving to yourself?
=> When you take greater responsibility, greater giving to yourself, what will this yield?
The gift of being a Caregiver, as outlined in #1 and #2 strengthened my own personal foundation of care and responsibility.
BUT, what I've realised too, I had created an imbalance.
Even though I supported myself continuously. By this I set up rules for myself which I have kept to for the past 14 months:
1. Before leaving my bedroom in the morning, I hit my yoga mat. I always did a handstand. And then it was up to me whether I felt like lying down, stretching or moving more vigorously.
2. Before I squeezed fresh OJ for my dad, I would make my ACV and water drink and a hot chocolate (or coffee or tea) for me. I had to put me first. It's the little steps that make the biggest difference.
3. At least 1 hour in nature every day.
4. Give myself herbal foot soaks. If I was giving my dad herbal foot soaks, I had to give these to myself too. 5. Meditate and journal every day. This could happen at any time, but had to happen, even if it was in the car or making a doodle before bed.
I also did things like gave up alcohol, ate more nutritious (vegetarian, gluten free) food, ate my meals earlier, turned my phone on silent in bed, slept more, didn't set an alarm at weekends, went to bed earlier, cried when i needed to, when in doubt had a bath or went to bed, meditated for longer periods and more frequently. But these items, weren't the daily non-negotiable, no-matter-what MUSTS.
Even with my MUSTS in place and giving to myself first no matter what (a much stronger self-prioritisation commitment than I had ever consistently given to myself before) I was still exhausted and my creativity was zapped. But to be fair, that's expected when taking care of the terminally ill. But, since I am not responsible for the choices of terminally ill, only for myself, my exhaustion was an imbalance that I was creating. Indicating, I needed to change how I was operating.
For me in this position, the part of my life that was sacrificed the most was my professional life. I didn't have the energy or my own time to orchestrate my career into how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to set up appointments that I might not be able to fulfil due to my dad's needs or last minute palliative nurse visits, etc. But surrendering my professional life, gave room for me to step up in the department of giving greater care to myself. A true gift.
Plus, in the letting go of how I thought I wanted it to look like and how it was, I've recently become really clear on the shape I truly want my professional life to take. Truthfully, it's kinda entirely different to where I am. That's another challenge, but it's not impossible. On the plus side, it's clarity, which really only requires patience to manifest, and when you look at it from this higher perspective, I have so many excellent resources immediately at my disposal.
If I only look at the perceived outcome of what I want it to look like, getting there can feel a million miles away, and almost unachievable. But, when I look at the tools I have, the foundation I have built, the current projects and resources available to me, when I feel into the endless support surrounding me, when i feel into my innate boundless creativity, it all becomes possible. The pursuit becomes available. Here, again, the change begins within. I had to have the courage and strength to admit the imbalance, to speak up that I required change, and take the actions available in front of me to get the balls rolling.
4. What I readily give to another, compassion, understanding, non-judgement, I wasn't giving to myself.
I was holding myself to another standard. This one requires a little more back story, which upon writing, has turned into another essay, so I will post it on my blog tomorrow. Here's the cliff notes.
I have relocated to France, to the valley of the highest summit in the Northern Alps of South-East France. When I first arrived, I felt tremendous guilt and anguish for being here, for "abandoning" my responsibility as Caregiver, for acting on impulses, for adding expenses to my credit card and for putting my needs ahead of everyone else's. Then, I realised that if my mother or brother or friend or client were to do the same, I'd be proud of them and support them, and I certainly wouldn't judge them. I would celebrate their courage and their strength and their will. So, if I wouldn't treat them unkindly (and the people who know me best would contest that this is true. Not saying I wouldn't have my down moments and frustrations, I'm human, but I wouldn't judge them or be angry or hurt by their self prioritisation actions) so then, why am i holding myself to a completely different standard? I deserve my independence, my creativity, my freedom and pursuit of my creative service in the world.
I realised, again, the change had to begin within. It had to begin with my own advancement of me. My own pursuit of reclaiming my full independence and the lifestyle I want to live and the business I want to run. I have to move away from creating harmony and pleasing others and giving to others ahead of myself, to first and foremost harmonizing with ONLY myself. It's challenging and it's uncomfortable and I'm REALLY good at self sabotage. BUT to create greater balance, I have to pursue myself, all of me, even when it only makes sense to me, because it's only form this place, I can serve anyone else.
So, in summary, thank you for staying with me through these 4 life lessons, and I hope from sharing my process, it can help you to bring greater clarity, patience and strength to your pursuit of balance.
Remember to go easy on yourself and to go within. Key questions to journal on this full moon tonight:
=> What's the IMBALANCE that has come to light (perhaps blasting with indecent brightness that you can't ignore) over the last 48 hours?
=> How is your relationship with yourself? your body? your creativity? your strengths? your weaknesses?
=> How much time in ONE 10 HOUR DAY are you FOCUSED on you? your creativity? your interests? your emotional well being? your care?
=> What are you avoiding giving to yourself?
=> What do you readily give to another that you are not giving to yourself?
=> When you take greater responsibility, greater giving to yourself, what will this yield?
Feel free to hit respond and let me know whether the theme of imbalance is ringing true for you. :)
To supporting you, Heidi |
