The year prior to the program was one of the most difficult in our marriage. In August of 2018, I became the high school pastor at our church. I didn’t take the position in good faith as I was still involved with pornography. But I convinced myself it was the Lord’s will, that somehow He would bring an end to my sin, and so I made myself a liar. Another grave sin in my life was unbelief. The reality was I didn’t have faith; not really. By the end of the year, I was ragged. Attempting the work of God in the flesh and without faith was exhausting and foolish.
During a break between Christmas and the new year, I went back to my sin. It was once, but it was a sign of a huge problem in my heart. By February, I was asked to step down from my position. I made matters worse by believing lies about God and turning my back on Him. I spent six weeks plunging headlong into sin. Jill had always been a gracious woman and had been patient with me, but I had hurt her deeply and she was broken. While I would typically minimize my sin and responsibility, it became increasingly clear that I needed to take radical steps to change.
God stepped in, as He always does. Late one night I cried out to God. I acknowledged that everything I had been to that point was wrong and begged Him to forgive me and make me whatever He wanted me to be. He brought me outside and showed me the stars and told me that my problem was not too big for Him. He gave me a promise from Romans 4:16-25, that if I would trust Him, He would restore. He made it clear to us that our next step was Pure Life Ministries. It was a step of faith, as we knew very little about the ministry. It turned out to be the right decision, as the Lord did a work through Pure Life that would have been hard to replicate anywhere else.
When I enrolled in the Residential Program, these are some things the Lord revealed to me there:
God showed me that I was full of unbelief. Mostly, I didn’t believe that God was good or that He had my best interest in mind. I ran to the world instead of Him when difficulty came.
God showed me that faith cannot be manufactured. I had to give up and let Him do what He wanted to do, when He wanted to do it.
God showed me that faith is bold and audacious, but it’s the only way to please Him. No matter what I thought or felt, I had to believe what He said in His Word.
God gives us what we show Him we truly want, not what we say we want. When I show God that I want Him, He gives Himself lavishly.
God showed me that I didn’t sin because I was depressed. I was depressed because I sinned.
God showed me that He is so much better than any pleasure the world has to offer. He showed me a peace that is difficult to describe.
The Lord also ministered to Jill in the Wives Program:
God was faithful to show me what I needed was more of Him, and as I sought Him in His Word, He was merciful. He promised me a genuine faith as I trusted Him in the fire. (1 Peter 1:6-7 was my favorite verse while Kevin was away.)
God revealed His hatred for my sins (Matthew 7:21-23 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10). These verses wrecked me. I needed God’s forgiveness as much as Kevin!
God taught me simply, that He is enough. I remember having a note on my desk that said, “Lord, I trust you with Kevin.” Kevin is God’s son first. God could be trusted with our marriage and young family. He alone could redeem and restore.
Things have not been perfect since the program. However, God has been faithful. He has set me free from bondage to lust. He miraculously provided work for me. He began healing broken places in our marriage. He started changing areas of my heart that needed to change. And He allowed me to serve in the church again, giving me an opportunity to minister to men struggling with sexual sin.
We don’t have a crystal-clear picture of what the future holds. But we know without a doubt that God is real, and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. We understand so much better now that He is truly merciful and compassionate, slow to anger and quick to forgive those who seek forgiveness. God has taught us that He is good all the time.
When we turned to Him, He heard us, and He rescued us. Without Him, I would be a desolate man at best. At worst I would be dead. The reality, though, is we are alive, joyful, hopeful, in love, and full. We are far from perfect and have so much to learn, but we have Jesus. More importantly, He has us!