[This just in...]

Hello,

I know it has been years since I first posted a comment [at AfterAbortion.org] but I was going through some old e-mails and saw this. It bought up so many emotions that I wanted to give an update on what happened.

I am very proud to say that Mya is now my 7 year old princess who absolutely loves horses (she rides also) and is one of the top students in her school. She attends stage school and just last night I went to watch her perform on stage at the theatre, absolutely brimming with pride. She now also has two brothers (Jaiden, 5 and Kian, 2).

Mya is the best thing that ever happened to me and it literally brings a tear to my eye remembering how close I was to giving up the fight with my wife and losing her forever. Our marriage definitely would never have survived that

To take things all the way back. Ultimately what did it for me was finally speaking to someone about everything (my sister in this case). She was absolutely disgusted with what I’d agreed to [an abortion] and said in no uncertain terms that I needed to fight for my child. 

That, coupled with the advice you gave here seemed to snap me out of the daze I was in. 

Perhaps it was the shock of it all that had me stunned momentarily but all of a sudden had a realisation of “What the hell am I doing? I need to fight for my child!”

That same night my wife and I had one of the biggest arguments of our entire relationship (a lot of tears on both sides) which culminated in me packing my bags and leaving. I had barely made it to the train station however when I decided to turn back after my wife (then, fiance) called and begged me not to go. She agreed not to go through with the termination and finally seemed to realise the weight of what she was about to do. Thank god

You turned out to be absolutely spot on about the Granparents, too.🙂 We now have an amazing relationship and they absolutely love me, haha. Kids definitely do have a way of doing that.

I really can’t thank you enough for your advice and I write this in the hope that anyone else that happens to be reading these comments will see this and NOT go through with the decision to terminate.

Keeping Mya was the best decision I ever made in my life and I cannot believe I nearly gave up on her

====================

A Black Man
October 14, 2014 at 11:54 pm

My fiance just found out she was pregnant this weekend.

Saturday evening we took the test which said she was 3+ weeks pregnant and after an emergency booking we had our first appointment at the abortion clinic today where they confirmed she was almost 5 weeks. However, the fetus is too small to be seen on the ultrasound so they’d like us to return in a weeks time once it has developed more.

For me, this weekend has been an emotional roller coaster that has ended with me feeling a deep sense of depression.

I want nothing more than to be a father. Especially with the woman of my dreams, however her immediate thought was we need to get rid of it and although It took a while for me to process the information, I feel crushed. I feel as though I should be celebrating, jumping with joy, but she’s taken that away from me. Yes it’s inconvenient, and yes its completely ruined our wedding plans but surely our child deserves a chance at life? What if it’s our only chance to have children?

Up until now she had been getting increasingly broody and we’d decided we’d try for children some time next year. The idea of becoming parents had us grinning from ear to ear just a few short weeks ago. We both have very good jobs in the city and between us earn close to 100k per year.

I proposed approximately 4 months ago and in that time, all the talk has been about preparing for our wedding next year (deposit for the venue has already been paid for). We moved in together shortly after I proposed and things have been absolutely amazing.

All that said, you’d expect she’d be over the moon to be pregnant but apparently not. It’s one year too early for her. One of her many reasons is she’s just started a new job and is worried she won’t qualify for maternity leave. This would mean I’d have to support us all on my wage alone, which would be a struggle (though far from insurmountable in my opinion).

However, the one major issue in our relationship from the start, and the main reason for her objections is her family. She's Indian, I am black and her family are simply racist to be frank. There’s no other word for it. There were a lot of tears and drama when they found out she’d had a black boyfriend for 2 years (I was only introduced as her fiance), they absolutely hit the roof. Their standing in the Indian community is evidently far more important that their daughter’s happiness. Up until now her brother still refuses to talk to her. Part of the reason she bought a house was so that they could not kick her out onto the street once they found out about me.

Her parents’ initial reaction upon finding out about me wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be (they are still talking to her, though they are extremely frosty). But ever since then I feel as though she is desperately trying to win back their love by doing everything by the book. i.e. Marriage then children in the hope that they may eventually approve of me and be able to hold their heads up high in the community.

It was bad enough that she’d moved out with a black man before marriage and she’s terrified our kids wont be accepted if they are conceived out of wedlock. She sees it as yet another blot of her and her families reputation. Somehow she believes that us being married will solve everything.

I was absolutely furious on hearing this and I spoke my mind on the situation but she seems determined to go through with the abortion, promising me that we can have kids once we’re married and the timing is better. She insists its a cultural thing and I’ll never understand.

We had a massive argument today and she absolutely broke down, shaking like a leaf. We spoke about all her reasons (there are a few others, for example the fact the she lacks folic acid, meaning the child may be deformed) and I’ve reluctantly agreed to the termination.

But I just can’t fight this deep sadness I feel in the pit of my stomach. I can’t even sleep right now, hence the reason i am writing this post.

I just get the feeling we will be making a huge mistake, simply out of her fear of rejection from her entire family. She is already way too attached. She tells me that she ‘talks’ to the baby every morning and has even given her a name (‘Mya’). She is quite an emotional and innocent women at the best of times but for some reason she has a steely resolve on this issue. If I’m honest she’s actually come across rather heartless and cold in her determination to rid herself of this baby. It’s a side I’ve never seen of her and one i really don’t like.

But at the same time I know full well she is not truly considering the impact of what she is about to do next week. I have a feeling one reality hits she will be crushed and revert back to the emotional, innocent woman I know she is. But by that point it may be too late and irreversible damage may have been done to our relationship.

Do you think our relationship can survive if she goes ahead with this? Shall i try harder to convince her its a bad decision? Or do I respect her wishes as I’ve already agreed to, and just pray we can go back to being the happy love-struck couple we have been for the last 2 years?

EI
October 15, 2014 at 3:28 am

I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

From what you have said, I think the “I don’t want to disappoint my parents (again)” is probably the biggest reason why she is so determined that abortion is what she “has to do.”

Sadly, given other things you have also said, like the fact that she has given the baby a name, I am highly confident that the abortion will crush her . . . and perhaps both of you. She may be able to bury her feelings for a time, but if and when you have another child, it will all come tumbling back down on her and haunt her (and you) and will really be a burden on the both of you for years. That’s not to say there is not the possibility of healing. There are many great post-abortion healing programs. But it is far better to avoid it than to try to heal with it later…because even with healing there are always scars.

Ask her to read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here along with you so you can discuss it in terms of your concern for how this will hurt her and you obligation to protect her from hurting herself (much less your child) just in the hope of making her parents happy (or at actually, just less displeased).

Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

Remind her that you are only pressing the issue because you are convinced it will be a choice she will regret and one that will damage your future happiness together.

Clearly, it is not easy. But abortion does not turn back the clock and allow things to go on they way they would have as if you had never been pregnant. Instead, it permanently changes how you will see yourselves as persons and as parents and as lovers. Choosing life will reinforce your commitment to each other, your sense of honor and bravery and integrity. Choosing abortion will create doubts in you about yourselves, each other, your worthiness as parents, et cetera.

Many regret their abortions. Few regret giving birth to their children. (The folic acid deficit issue is a weak excuse. Women have given birth to healthy babies for centuries without folic acid supplements, and it is also plenty early to start taking them.)

Let’s accept as a likelihood that her parents will be upset to hear she is giving birth to a half black baby before she is even married. But they have already begun to accept that would happen anyway, a year or two from now.

Worse case scenario . . . they use this as a pretext to “disown her” but within a couple years, all will be forgiven and they will be madly in love with their grandchild. 

Grandchildren have that effect on grandparents. In they end, they will be glad that you and their daughter were both willing to face their disappointment and persisted in preserving their grandchild’s life instead of taking it.

Abortion, at best, offers a short term solution to short term problems at the expense of long term problems that won’t “naturally” go away. The upset that this surprise pregnancy may cause her family is small and temporary compared to the deep grief and pain abortion can cause to each of you and to your marriage and future happiness.

You are in my prayers. Do not hesitate to call us if we can be of any further help.

If despite everything you try (which should include a refusal to participate in the abortion by going with her), you should make clear that you still love her and will do all you can to help her find healing afterwards, including participating with her in a post-abortion healing program.

But you should make clear how seriously you oppose this by refusing to be pulled into it. Indeed, she shouldn’t insist on you being part of it, since she should respect your conscience. If she has a clear conscience about it, then it shouldn’t bother her that you don’t want to participate in it. After all, she should understand this is a great loss for you. She should be glad that you are willing to continue the relationship even though she is going through with it . . . which shows your respect for her conscience and her need to do what she thinks is the “right thing to do.” But that’s as far as you should go in supporting her in this; be respectful, tell her you will continue to love her even if she goes forward with it, but it is just not something you can participate in. That will help her confront both her conscience and your conscience and will prevent her from blaming you later for “going along with it.”

Psychologically, many people try to shift the blame for the decision to their partner. Don’t participate in that game. Being a couple does not require one to share the blame for decisions that you oppose. You may not be able to stop her. And you should certainly not be disrespectful or unloving. But if a loved one insists on going down what you believe is the wrong path, you shouldn’t go down that path with her . . . nor should she expect and demand it. But you can promise to be there for her on the other side, hoping for the best but also prepared to help her though the worst.

So at the very least change your answer from “I agree to an abortion,” to “I can’t stop you from having it, and I won’t stop loving you if you have it, but I think its wrong, bad for you, bad for me, and bad for our child and our families so I can’t participate in it. But I will love you and be there for you in any way I can afterward, even if you decide to go through it.”

Please let us know if you have any success changing her mind. (I will also pray for her family to be more accepting of both you and your baby.)