| Hi Friend!
I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately as a transition away from sports talk media. Aside from loving to play sports as a kid I loved learning and following sports. I loved it because I wanted to be the best so what better way to support that goal than by learning about the best. Another reason is because my two dads loved sports, so it was another way to connect with them by reading, listening, learning and watching what they were interested in. A final reason I loved the consumption of sports was because it was a safe coping mechanism during difficult times.
When I lived at home, I could go shoot hoops in the driveway regardless of the weather, if homework, social life or not wanting to do my chores got me down. I could go early and stay late at practice as well. I also could go hang with my friends down the street.
When I got to college, I was pretty darn consistent lifting weights, M-F, and I played in at least 1 intramural league every season and sometimes 2. I had a lot of stress in college like most people, but sports wasn't how I coped. It was definitely alcohol and pot.
When I got out of school and became a professional, I lived the work hard:play hard mantra. If you've been reading me for a bit, you know that's a win:lose mantra and that work hard:rest hard is the win:win mantra. For the early part of my professional life, alcohol and pot were still my coping mechanisms. I'd party with friends on the weekend to blow off steam and have fun. That coping method didn't work out so good for me one night when I fell asleep at the wheel, totaled my car and got a DUI. I got the wake up call and listened.
What do you do when you're current methods of coping are harmful and destructive?
Well, obviously you have to find new one's, but what are they?
Coping methods: - sleep
- good food
- talking
- writing
- exercise
- self-care
- competing
- laughing
- movies
- music
- reading
- helping
- contributing
- managing words & thoughts
- doing
- resting
- meditating
- working
- connecting
- creating
- therapy
- sports
Between 2005-2014, there were 12 deaths in my inner circle. (4) uncles, (3) grandparents, (2) sons, (1) aunt, (1) cousin and (1) father. That doesn't include the losses Vanessa went through with her family while we were dating and married either (4, without recounting our sons).
I used all of the above, to cope during the hard times, but sometimes the safest and easiest were the consumption of media. They were inexpensive and free and not too harmful. I loved movies. Tv shows were o.k., but when I discovered Netflix, whole seasons of tv series did the trick. I still loved sports, but after working for the Red Sox, having season tickets and later seeing them win in 2004, I've been able to be less die hard. The Celtics are my favorite, I'm a Uconn Huskies fan, and I traded being a Bears fan to a Patriots fan with the Brady era and living in Boston. I don't really watch any games, because (1) I choose not to have a t.v. and (2) because they're on too late, and that messes with my work:rest mantra. Movies and tv. are the same. Do I stay up late, and cope with some screen time, or do I go to bed and sleep off my stress?
The hardest coping method to overcome has been my consumption of media through reading and listening to sports. Being the boss, gives me a lot of freedom to choose, and sometimes things have been hard and I haven't chosen well. Thankfully, consuming sports media will soon fall in the don't do category, because there are many things I'd rather do and the other less sexy coping methods listed above are getting stronger with each practice.
Nice story Mike, but what does this have to do with attachment and authenticity?
Attachment and Authenticity Tim Ferriss, the author of The 4 Hour Work Week, The 4 Hour Body, The 4 Hour Chef, Tools of Titans and Tribe of Mentors, has a very popular podcast and he recently interviewed Dr. Gabor Mate a Canadian PCP, who worked in Palliative Care and now specializes in addiction.
This was an unexpected listen, but it was pretty powerful as it relates to so many things.
Two needs of every human are Attachment and Authenticity.
Attachment is connection to others. Authenticity is listening to your gut, being your true self.
Gabor said, that most addictions people have are related to traumas experienced during their time as youths at home from fetus through adolescents. When we're in the womb and growing up we yearn for attachment to our parents and loving people. If we don't get it, it affects our authentic self, so much so that we'll do most anything to get that attachment, even if it compromises our authentic self. If we don't get attachment fulfillment at home, we still long for and look for it and continue to compromise our authenticity by not listening to our wise inner voice and cope with the longing in various ways, many of which lead to addiction.
Gabor believes most every addiction is related to a childhood trauma and a lack of or longing for attachment that led to coping through harmful behaviors that led to addiction. He believes to solve addiction we need to look at causes vs. consequences. Once you discover causes you have to work to unravel them and work towards finding attachment and recovering your authenticity.
Gabor's is so passionate about this because he's a workaholic. He realized he was a workaholic because he has always longed for attachment since before birth. When his mom was pregnant with him in Hungary, the Nazi's were coming in to get the Jews. His mom was literally worried about her life, so he felt the stress right from the beginning. When he was born, his mom gave him to someone else she met in the street, when she was taken away. He was away from his mom for a full month. This stress and longing stayed with him forever, until he started working with his addiction patients and unpacking their causes. He would say he's very sensitive and can relate.
What does this have to do with you? Being mindful. Being in tune with your body. Eating slowly and stopping @ 80% full. Deciding if you're mouth hungry or stomach hungry. Should you or shouldn't you do something (one more drink, stay up past bedtime...)
Are all examples of listening to your self. Your authenticity. If you have trouble listening to yourself, you might have a lot of built up experience suppressing your inner voice, your true self, your little person.
You might do it to get a job, join a team, be in a club, court a partner, gain social or professional or family acceptance. You might do these things to get attachment. You might do these things to get attachment because you may not have gotten it the way you needed it when you were being made and growing up. You may still be longing for it and/or you may have never broken that pattern. If you're still longing for it or still in that pattern of longing for it by suppressing yourself, you may find ways to cope with your longing that are harmful to you and impeding your goals (weight loss, relationships, health, performance, work, ...). If this pattern has gone on long enough or has been harmful enough to you, you might be addicted to the coping method. I know. That doesn't read or sound great. Nobody wants to have a media addiction let alone and alcohol, drug, smoking, or other...
If you recognize your addicted to something and/or if you recognize you're not able to listen or hear or be or act on your true self, inner voice, true feelings, you may have unresolved attachment longing. It might be time to ask yourself some deep questions of why you do what you really do if you know its not good for you?
Hey, I'm not a therapist. I'm a coach and person who cares about his people and myself and I'm always trying to problem solve and come up with ways to get safe and lasting results faster, so we can have kick ass lives. This podcast, was fascinating to me because it helped me understand some of my things and it helped me understand things that my people and clients may be going through. It's a long listen, so take it in bite sized chunks, and it may help you to unpack some things of your own and help you on your journey to a well lived life.
Blessed to be getting lots of attachment these days and working to be more authentic each day,
Coach Mike Alves
p.p.s. Dr. Gabor Mate also believes autoimmune diseases are related to attachment and authenticity. So there's that too.
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