When I was 19 and a student at UC Berkeley, I was going through a rough time. I was on the premed track but chemistry the first year then biology the first semester of my second year was rough. I discovered I wasn’t passionate enough about the material to push through to excellence.
I was barely maintaining passing grades. I was disappointed. I was lost.
I’d been on the premed track for as long as I could remember. When adults asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd tell them proudly I wanted to be a doctor. (I'll share why I wanted to be a doctor in another email.)
But that long time dream was crumbling all around me. I didn’t have the power or the desire to focus on getting high grades in the sciences anymore.
I knew these were weeder classes, designed to kick out all but the most determined and dedicated and those willing to conform to the way the sciences were being taught. I felt squeezed out.
When I realized that, I was studying for finals at the end of my first semester sophomore year, and I was really sad.
What was I going to do now? How was I going to get through finals?
My heart wasn’t in it anymore. What was I going to do?
I walked to a study group on campus, crossing under the arched gate, Sather Gate, to the bridge over Strawberry Creek. Redwood trees towered high above me.
I put one foot in front of the other and breathed. I didn’t know what was true in my life anymore.
Except I knew this: I knew I was breathing. I knew I was putting one foot in front of the other, and I knew that the trees were there, had been there for a long time and would probably be there for a long time more.
The earth was beneath my feet, the water was trickling through the creek, and here I was, on Planet Earth. Taking one step at a time. Breathing in, breathing out.
At that moment I knew I could get through finals. I knew that I would figure out the answer of what to do next. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I would eventually figure it out.
Looking back on this moment of despair and how I found some grounding has stayed with me all the way into adulthood.
That experience of complete disorientation of a long-held dream crumbling was my first moment as an adult of feeling the rug being pulled out from under me. And it wasn’t going to be the last.
When things get tough I bring myself back to this essential:
The earth is beneath my feet. I can breathe in, I can breathe out. I can take one step, then another. I can feel myself connected to the planet. And if all I know is that one fact, that is enough for now.
I’ve gone back to meditating lately to help myself have more internal space, more awareness of my grounding, and of my breathing. To have a sense of this great universe within my bubble, within my energy field.
Especially as a busy mind, a buzzing bee always flitting from flower to flower, project to project, it is so easy to forget the earthiness of our bodies, the ways in which we are highly attuned and specifically evolved to be creatures of this earth.
I invite you to create some space for yourself if you are feeling frazzled, upset, out of your mind, heartsick.
Take the time for whatever meditation and quiet breathing works for you. Maybe you take a walk and notice what you notice, maybe use a free meditation app like Sanvello or something else to guide you.
Again now, I am feeling sad, disappointed, and pressed with demands that I have put on myself.
The mental space of this planet is busier than it has ever been in history of humanity, that we know of. And yet I need quiet, I need space, I need emptiness. So that I can process my creative ideas and intense emotions and get back to my book.
If you have been feeling in your body and in your heart and in your mind the tension and intense emotional waves that hav been going on around the world, I invite you to take a moment for yourself to feel, to breathe, to feel how you are a child of the earth.
On that note, I'm taking a totally new step for me -- I am taking a social media break, mostly from Instagram and Facebook, from now through the end of July to focus deeply on my novel and to get it ready for Fall publication.
Another new thing -- I will also be taking a break from writing this weekly newsletter and will resume sending them out on Friday, August 7th.
Yet another new decision -- This July I will not be running the 50% off sale I've been running in our school for the last 5 years, to focus on revamping many of the classes.
All that said, I'll be here for you, via the school, the monthly community call, the group program, and 1-1 sessions.
For the Fellowship of the Pen student community, the weekly sprints will run as usual, with Ann Shannon and Hugh Tipping hosting. I pop on just before the start to hand off host controls and to say Hi to the early arrivals.
You're invited to take this time to do deep dive work too, if that's right for you.
I'll leave you with Cinnamon in a shrimp pose. Have a good July! |
