When was the last time you compared yourself (including your life and your results) to someone else?
Who do you most often compare yourself to (and how often do you do it)? I want 100% honesty here (because we ALL get caught up in this). And when you compare yourself, do you feel better or worse? Or do you feel a little bit of both (depending on who you're comparing yourself to)?
How Being "Smart" (Kinda-Sorta) Made Me Feel Better
So, I've mentioned before that my childhood wasn't exactly the most FUN. My mom drank (a lot) and had seriously terrible taste in men (who abused her in front of my brother and I). And, although I don't consider that we were poor, we didn't have as much as most kids did in our middle-class neighborhood.
We shopped at discount stores and had just enough clothing to get through a week of school before having to start over again. And boy can kids be mean when you're "different" than them. I was often made fun of by my peers and called all sorts of terrible names.
Needless to say, I wasn't exactly happy. And I often got caught up in comparing my life to everyone else's - especially the "popular kids". Which (of course) made me feel even worse about myself and my life.
But then I found that comparison-itis could also be used as a weapon. And so I started to use it to make myself feel superior to everyone else.
My
refuge was how "smart" I was. I studied hard and ensured that I was
always at the top of my class. And I relished how much smarter I was than everyone else.
This weapon (kind of) got me through High School, College, and even Law School. I say "kind of" because it also exhausted and stressed me out. I feared that one day I'd be found out for the fraud that I felt like underneath.
So, although I "thought" that I was happier and better off with this weapon at my side, I really wasn't. I just didn't want to admit it yet.
When Comparison No Longer Worked to Make Me Feel "Better"
When I started practicing law, the weapon that had been at my side for so long was now turned against me. You see, the people I was working with were obviously smarter than me - and were much more experienced.
And, even though I rationally knew that it was ridiculous to compare myself to them, I couldn't help myself.
Moreover, I knew with certainty that I would never be like them. And I also knew that I likely would not be as good as they were - EVER.
And so the girl who had been certain that she was "smarter" than everyone else all of a sudden felt dumb - and like a failure.
But a funny thing happened. I started to get honest with myself. Did this happen overnight? Not exactly. I went through a couple of months of misery first. But it only took a few months before I felt FORCED to face the truth (otherwise, I knew that I'd lose it completely).
What I Discovered
For years my self-esteem was based off of other people's "failures" and my successes were built out of smoke and mirrors. I realized that I hadn't really felt all that good about myself along the way (because I was constantly stressed and worried that I would one day not be the "smartest" person and all would come crashing in on me).
Once I admitted to myself what I'd been doing and why it didn't work, I was actually relieved that I was no longer the "smart" one. All the pressure, stress, and worry that had built up over the years was released in an instant.
And I realized that it was time to figure out who I really was - so that I could just be ME. And learn to be proud of who that was.
So I started asking questions. What did I value in life? How did I want to treat people? How did I want to be perceived by others?
That's what started my road toward getting to know myself (and introduced me to my core values and how to prioritize them within my life).
It's also when I realized that I was worthy. I was worthy of being loved, cherished, and valued. And I was worthy of being 100% MYSELF.
This is what led me down the path of finding my purpose, living with intention, and taking full-out control over my life and my choices. And totally owning who I am.
You can have this too - but not if you also suffer from comparison-itis.
So, if you too have trouble with comparing yourself, your life, and your results with others, I want you to start asking yourself some questions. Questions that will challenge you and (hopefully) help you to stop comparing and instead start owning who you are.
Because you too are worthy of being yourself.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- Where have you compared your life and/or your results to someone else in the last week? It's time to build some awareness around where this shows up. For the parents out there: look also to where you may be comparing your kids.
- Look to the moments when you're comparing and ask how it makes you feel?
- Are there any specific activities that tend to send you into comparison mode (and how can you stop doing these or limit them from your life)?
- How can you remind yourself that comparing your life/results to someone else isn't apples to apples (because you have no idea what's going on within them, what happened to get them where they are - or even whether they're happy)?
I'll be back later this week for some additional tips about how to stop comparison-itis. But in the meantime, I'm curious to know how this resonates with you.
Where do you find yourself most likely to compare (what's your pattern) - and how are are you going to remind yourself NOT to do so going forward? I'd love to hear from you (all you have to do is reply).
I'll go first. I find myself getting caught up in comparing my new business to that of others within my industry. Especially when it comes to my programs and process for moving people through to their desired outcome.
When this happens, I remind myself that my programs are unique - and based off of what I know works. Then I remind myself that everyone who's meant to be helped by me will be attracted to me (and other people will attract the perfect folks for them). Doing this makes it easier to let go of comparing (and to focus on whatever I need to be focusing on instead).
Until next time...
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