You know it’s bad when you find yourself apologizing to an
8-year old...
The Backstory
My family recently took a trip to Big Bend National Park –
which was BEAUTIFUL, by the way. You’ll
find some pics on my Instagram feed.
Zachary (my oldest son) woke up in the middle of our last
night there with a 103+ fever. And, of course,
we were worried about the flu.
Now, one of the draws of going to Big Bend is that it’s
HOURS away from humanity. There’s
literally nothing there except desert, mountains, and wildlife. But that’s also a HUGE problem when in need –
the closest town with a real hospital is 4 hours away.
After listening to Zachary toss and turn for an hour – and realizing
that no one (including our youngest son, Noah) was sleeping a wink – we decided
to stop worrying and instead start doing the one thing we could do.
So, at 2:30 AM we got out of bed, threw everything into the
car, and started our long drive homeward.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, we soon ran into fog (which I
didn’t even know was possible in the desert).
And, although the fog slowed us further, that wasn’t the worst of
it. I get car sick – especially on curvy
roads in the dead of night (and with added fog).
My BIG Fail
Poor Noah didn’t quite know what to think – and wasn’t
certain what was going on. All he knew was
that (1) something was clearly wrong with his brother, (2) Mom and Dad were obviously
worried, and (3) we made him get out of bed in the middle of night and leave
quickly.
Noah kept asking question after question about how Zachary
was doing and what to expect. Which,
when you think about it rationally, was sweet.
But I wasn’t exactly being rational.
All I could think about was how much I needed to sleep while slapping
myself silly to stay awake and continue driving my leg of the journey (because,
you know, Dramamine).
In all honesty, I was annoyed with all the questions and
wished he’d just be quiet.
After yet another one of these questions, I snapped. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it
wasn’t nice, and my tone of voice was biting.
It was something in the realm of “How the *#@! should I know, so please
stop asking stupid questions” (although I probably left out the “please”).
Of course, that made me feel even worse. So, I sat silently and started seething to myself
about how horrible a mother I was. Which is when I became aware.
In that exact moment a recent conversation with
a friend came to mind. Apparently,
because I write about how to live with more intention and choice, she was under
the misimpression that I don’t understand how hard it can be - and thought that it's "easier" for me to live in choice and "choose" to respond (as opposed to react). As though I’m less imperfect.
And that brought on a semi-hysterical laugh (along with
the lack of sleep and Dramamine). Because I’m SO VERY imperfect. Ask Jeff – he’ll tell you.
Imperfection is Perfectly
Okay – and Being Perfect Isn’t the Point
I want to make something clear: life happens and you’re
human.
What does this mean?
Crap happens that you can’t control, and you’re going to FAIL AND REACT
with nothing but negative emotions from time to time. You’re going to snap, be judgmental, say
something unkind, speak out of anger before thinking, etc.
But guess what? It’s okay.
The point isn’t to be perfect. The point is to be aware, so you can do
something about it once you become aware.
Sometimes you’ll catch yourself in the beginning of an emotion and have
a chance to think through what you want to do before reacting. And sometimes you’ll fail (like I did last
week).
So, what do you do when you fail? You sit with your emotion for a moment and
process it through. No hiding or ignoring
it. And no pretending it didn’t
happen. And then you move on.
Oh, and you apologize to your 8-year old. ?
When you have these failures, the #1 rule to remember is to
BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Kind of like when
meditating.
For those of you who meditate, you know that the point isn’t
to clear your mind (which is a myth many people who don’t meditate
believe). It’s about becoming aware at
some point that your mind has wandered and then gently (and with kindness to
yourself) bringing your attention back to your focal point.
So, when you find that you’ve failed, I want you to treat
yourself with KINDNESS. There’s no point
in self-pity or self-punishment (it does you no good).
I guess that’s the difference between me and some people. I refuse to punish myself over and over. But I also choose to deal with what happened
head-on (which, in this instance, meant apologizing to my son whole-heartedly,
with remorse, and without excuses).
When I talk about living with intention and making a choice
THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
Until next time… |
