I have news for you. You can date your way to mental and emotional healing.

When I first thought about what Rori said, I found her views on dating a bit uncomfortable. But, after thinking it through, my mind began to sing with ideas. 

I understand that with the wrong attitude, dating or therapy can be stressful, exhausting and overwhelming. 

However, it really doesn't matter if the acting therapist is a knowing participant and consciously helping you heal, or an unknown one and just by their presence they are helping you heal.

Healing isn't about other-discovery. It is about self-discovery. It's an inside job as my man often reminds me. 

 
Heck, I have gotten my own best healing and facilitated the healing of so many people when in the company of a horse. And although I believe that horses were put on this earth and were gifted to humans to facilitate healing and I believe they instinctively know they are natural healers and understand how to help us, that's not the point. 

Do I pay a tree, a mountain top, a kitten, a puppy or a bouquet of flowers by the hour? No. But that is also not the point. 

Our vision of therapy is perhaps skewed or distorted.  

Therapy and healing comes in many forms. 

It does not require a formal appointment, invitation, announcement agreement or payment for services rendered to be effective. 

That is a model scripted and directed by the Mental Health Licensure Community. 

 
Healing is found in everything, even dating.

I have gotten so much healing through dating and I am still getting therapy through dating. I am in a relationship and I regularly date my partner- also my unwitting therapist. 

 
I almost feel guilty when I say it, but when I think of how much he benefits, and the world benefits and you benefit, and I benefit by my healing, I shake it off and say, "Naaahhh…no guilt here." 

 
Part of healing and part of becoming larger and stronger is to embrace and accept what is. 

Accepting and dealing with what is - is a major component of my philosophy on dating. 

 
So, imagine you have made a date on Match.com or Bumble and you are following my rules that the first date will last no longer than an hour. You get to the coffee shop and your heart sinks and your stomach gets tight. 

 
Here is a man in front of you that is clearly not your type. 

Maybe he is unattractive or smelly or worse. 

I have seen it all and experienced it all. 

I have been on dates with old men, young men, women dressed as men, married men, gay men, women who posed as men and showed up as women, toothless men, bad breath men, fat men, skinny men, short men, tall men and more.

You know which was the most difficult for me to get through? 

A man who can not carry on a conversation is impossible for me to bear. 

Isn't it interesting that my dream man is quite quiet and often says little and I love that about him! I know……right? 

And here is how I used 60 minutes of my life to turn lemons to lemonade every time.

Ask these questions to yourself:

1. I wonder why this particular guy showed up?

2. What gift does he have for me?

3. What message does he have for me?

4. How can he help me see the parts of myself that I do not want to address?

5. Can he help me see parts of me that support my greatest good?

6. Why am I here at this particular place on this day?

7. What is special about him? Great eyes, a nice shirt? Hair? Everyone has something good about them. Find it.

8. What does his positives trigger in you?

9. What do his negatives trigger in you?

10. Could you date him again? In other words, do you need or want more therapy in his particular flavor?

The way to heal through dating is to make the date and see who shows up.

I find that kind of fun and intriguing now, but I didn't always.

I got stressed when a guy showed up who was in some way foreign or distasteful to me. 

 
First you must figure out what foreign or distasteful means. 

This is important.

If you are a woman who has been hurt a lot and a guy shows up that is simply boring to you or does not WOW you, this might be a God-sent blessing in disguise. 

Remember where dating your "type" got you the last time around. 

 
If the same type of guy shows up over and over, let's say one that you are equally attracted to and uncomfortable around or maybe he's a guy who reminds you of your ex- from - hell, but you can't quite put your finger on it. 

Take a hard look at him! And…not as a potential mate! 

Look at him and know you have healing to do. What might you be putting out there to attract a man that may be perhaps toxic to you?

 
When I had the experience of attracting many men who acted in some way abusive, controlling and narcissistic, which I did for a time, I got to understand that I had not healed from my excruciatingly painful marriage to a polished sociopath and on top of it, I began to see there were still lingering wounds from my childhood with an unabashed abusive father. 

Sadly, it turns out they are the same animal. 

 
We all tend to feel comfortable around and attracted to that which felt normal to us as kids. 

If abuse was a part of your childhood, I'd have to say, that unless you have done your work, chances are you may be attracted to and attracting more of the same.

 
I won't lie. 

At first, I was so disheartened and disappointed and embarrassed in myself to think that I was a respected coach and healer who had not handled her own doo-doo. 

I wanted to quit both dating and coaching. 

I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  

But then it struck me, that it was precisely these types of experiences that made me the successful and sensible coach that I am today. 

Everything I experienced, everything I learned about me, every distortion I cleared up got me closer to the right man by getting me closer to the authentic me.

A light went on! I became alive with wonder and hope! 

I think at one point I looked up and yelled to the Universe, "Bring it on fast and bring it hard and if you are going to get the better of me, you better make sure I can't get up, because I'm coming out like Mohammed Ali!"

And from that point forward dating became an interesting journey filled with wonder and surprise. 

The dates began to change. 

They got better, easier and less stressful.

The men that showed up became more interesting and better quality.

I found I enjoyed my time and the practice of experiencing myself interacting with many different men.

 
I learned that higher quality men showed up in direct proportion to and as a function of my own ability to heal myself through the dating experience.

It was not too long after that, that I met my now amazing partner. He was one of the last of those 60-minute dates.

No, I did not break my own rule and stop dating when I met him. 

But after a while, I got complacent and sloppy and fell back into my old ways. 

I made a lot of mistakes. 

And you know what? 

He started to show up in a way that made me feel terrible and I was already deeply invested! That story will have to wait for part II of this segment. 

In Part II, you will discover what happens and causes the relationships to fall apart and how to deep and get back on track.

You will learn ways to turn relationship around when it looks to be like the Titanic headed for the iceberg. 

 
It will help you to stay with the program and keep yourself in check.

But for now, know this work isn't easy and takes a little or a lot of discipline. 

But who says hard work can't be fun? 

 
I want you to know that I always have your back and you don't have to do this alone. 

You have me to keep you moving in the right direction! 

If you stay on top of it; stick with my program and follow my advice, you too can have the love you want…and soon.