How to Get What You Want (& Need) From Him
Just like a horse, you can not make a man do something he does not want to do. Well, maybe you think you can, but even if you get away with it once or twice, you are not doing yourself or your relationship any favors by trying to get your needs met in this fashion.
Just because you want him to do something, it doesn't mean he has to do it.
In fact, in most instances, and if you have been reading my blogs and newsletters, when you try to control a man, it will backfire…if not today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then soon.
It takes a lot of conscious awareness not to use every clever tactic you learned from as far back as you can remember, to get your way.
I want you to take a minute and write down some of the ways you like to try to control your man to get what you want. I used to have 2 favorites. The first was by asking the most innocent questions, that were not innocent at all, things like:
"Why do you do that? Can't we do that? What on earth were you thinking when you chose that?"
And, my other favorite was to blame him for everything.
"You made me do this or that. You make me do this, when you do that."
I'll bet you are reading this and thinking, "Not me." But now I want you to start filling in the blanks with real situations:
"Why did you wear jeans to the cocktail party?"
"Can't we go to the play instead of the football game? You always get to go to the games."
"What were you thinking when you brought home that chocolate cake. You know I am on a diet."
"You made me miss my turn!"
"You make me furious when you leave the toilet seat up."
Are you starting to see how easy it is to try to control and manipulate everything in your relationship and maybe without even realizing you are doing it? Attempting control in this way to get what you want is sure to get you one thing; a one way ticket to single or at the very least, it creates conflict and tension.
Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. But, if it damages a relationship with a man to try to get your needs met by controlling him, then what can you do? Nothing? Suffer in silence and be a doormat? Heck No.
There is a better way. It is actually a way to get your needs met that won't just save your relationship from damage, but make it better. It is called Negotiation.
Successful negotiation has a few key principles: 1. Timing. One of the biggest mistakes we make when wanting to talk to a man is picking the wrong time. You can ask "I have something I'd like to share with you and it's really important to me. Is now a good time?"
*Note. The bottom of the ninth during game 7 of the World Series, just isn't a good time. In fact, it isn't even a good time to ask the question of when would be a good time! See my point? Try to set yourself up for success.
2. Start with a Feeling Message. Express your feelings. Look inside of yourself and assess what you really feel. You can say, "I feel frustrated when I am ignored. I don't like feeling that way. What do you think?"
**Note: Do not blame or make it about him. Make it solely about you and what you feel. Don't worry if it sounds awkward—it's a different way of communicating than you're used to. That's the point.
3. Listen. I mean really listen like his words are the only thing audible on the planet at the moment. Listen.
4. Plan for Resolution. If he has a good plan for resolution, great. If not, then there will be times you just have to leave it hanging and revisit it at a later date. Sometimes you just have to live with a lack of closure for a while.
***Note. There is power in letting things go unsettled. His mind will try to solve the problem well after you have let the conversation go. He may even surprise you and come back to talk to you about it at a later date without being asked! There is no power in blame or struggle.
5. Learn how to say NO.
If he has come up with a plan and you cannot agree with it, you can say, "No, that doesn't feel good."
By Negotiating in this way, your relationship will change for the better as it has for thousands of women who know this powerful secret. Your man will thank you for it in so many ways.
Let me know if you try it!
Love in Whispers,
Coach Katelyn
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