Coach Katelyn's Reply Dear Annie,
Thank you for writing. I can feel your hurt and frustration and I can really understand how you might feel the way you do.
I often see women end up where you are at some point in their relationship with a husband or partner. It can't feel good.
And, it isn't your fault. News Flash: it isn't his either. If you want to insist that it is his fault, don't read any further. You won't like what I have to say.
It sounds like you are starting to figure out on a deep level that your way of communicating as hard as you try to do it right isn't working well the further along you get in your relationship with your man.
This is true for many couples. I applaud your bravery for reaching out and wanting to change things It is truly no one's fault that you and all the other bickering couples out there haven't figured it out yet.
But I have.
It is probably not an "aha moment" for you when I say,
"Men do not hear the way we hear, see the way we see, think the way we think or feel the way we feel."
You've always known that on some level.
But, to understand what they do they hear when we speak and how to communicate something that they can in fact, hear is the real info you need.
Right?
I will bet my reputation when I say this: Most things that appear one way to you, appears the opposite to your man.
So, if it feels like a loving way to speak to him, you can bet he doesn't receive it that way. Confused yet? Let me unravel it for you.
Whispering works with horses and men!
Men are very sensitive creatures, much like horses.
We, (both men and women), were not raised in a way that speaks to or honors our natural femininity and a man's natural tendency toward masculinity. That is why you are where you are in your relationship.
It feels uncomfortable to everyone to be forced out of their natural state. I have learned from my years whispering with horses, that they respond positively when they get to be comfortable being themselves. Treat them like a puppy, kitty or a human and they do not respond well. Treat your man like anything other than what he is and he won't respond well either.
Tip:
Speak to your man from your feminine side and it will reach his masculine side. He will hear you.
When you say,
"You hurt me when you said…. Or didn't say……, or you made me so angry when you did this or didn't do that…."
Even if you say it in the sweetest voice, especially in a sweet voice, what he is hearing is,
"You are a stupid a-hole for doing what you did or saying what you said. This is your fault. You are wrong."
*Hint: A sweet voice does not put you in your real feminine energy if the words are wrong. All it does is thinly sugarcoat the message.
Instead, what if you ask nicely, "Why did you say or do that?
What he hears?
Again, "You are a stupid a-hole for doing what you did or saying what you said. This is your fault. You are wrong."
So, if you can't say anything like what you usually say and in the voice you think you are supposed to use, then what can you say and how can you say it that works?
If you want to communicate successfully with your man, you are going to have to learn to speak to him without blaming, criticizing, belittling, cajoling or even mentioning him in the same sentence as telling him how you feel.
You are also going to have to learn to get in touch with and in sync with your feelings.
Its called being authentic.
If you keep doing what you've always done, you cannot win. Make it ALL about you and leave him out of it.
"I feel…………." PERIOD!
This puts you firmly in your feminine energy, honoring you, (the female) and at the same time it allows him to be and feel like the man he is and the man you want.
Try it!
Also, when you TELL him what needs to be done or what he should be doing… like, "We need to take the dog to the vet."
He hears, "You should be doing something about this and you failed. Why didn't you know about this. I have to do everything. Can't you do anything right?"
Instead you can learn to speak to him in a way that doesn't make him feel small or wrong or like he is being scolded. Believe it ladies. That is what he hears!
Now try:
"I noticed the dog is shaking his head a lot. I feel worried. What do you think?"
Wait and let him answer.
See the difference?
Katelyn shares the secret to great relationships and more in her private community. Learn how to win with your man!
Love in Whispers,
Coach Katelyn
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