Hi Friend,
Have you noticed that when
you get "stuck" in your relationship/
marriage, your focus is pretty much
on what you don't like and what
you don't want?
Over time, this can be very
disheartening. I get it ... I've been
there.
As I mentioned the other night,
my story is that I was in a marriage
that got so progressively frustrating
over the span of 14 years that I was
"fit to be tied" angry ... and full of
disappointment when the whole
thing finally broke down.
With 2 kids in tow ... 12 and 14 years
old, we slept in a friend's empty
bedroom ... on the floor in sleeping
bags ... for a month.
I had nowhere else to go.
It was horrible for us and as
circumstances had it ... it was
no better for the kid's father.
Over those 14 rocky years I
often asked myself, "Why is
this happening"?
That question was always
easy to answer.
I knew why ... I knew the
reasons.
He was distant ... he was
angry ... I was angry ... we
were disconnected ... we had
crappy communication skills...
and on and on and on.
I had a lot of reasons.
But after we split, I began
to ask myself a new question
... a question that would
have made ALL the difference,
if I would have asked it
sooner.
I began to ask myself, "How
did this happen ... how could
I let this marital struggle go
on for SO long without doing
anything about it?"
So listen up!
The answer to this question
is something I want to share
with you because I wouldn't
be surprised if the same thing
is happening to you that was
happening to me.
On my quest, I discovered
something quite ground
breaking.
I discovered there is a
psychological phenomenon
called "Learned Helplessness".
Now, what makes this phenomenon
particularly dangerous is that
we don't know when it's taken
us over ... it's that invisible to
us... and it does take us over.
So what is this thing called
"Learned Helplessness" and
how does it relate to how you
struggle in your relationship?
"Learned Helplessness" is
something that can happen
to you when you keep experiencing
the same negative thing over
time, such that you begin to think
you really have no control to
change your situation and you
start to behave in a helpless
manner.
There is a part of you that really
has started to believe "it will never change" ... seem familiar?
THIS is why I didn't (and numerous
other couples don't) DO anything
to make things better ... even when
we know we should.
THIS is why I didn't go get help
and THIS may be why you haven't
done anything lately to go get
help ... even though you know
you should.
On some level, when we've
experienced the same negative
struggle over and over and over
again and it never seems to change,
at a deep seated level, we lose
all hope that we could actually
do something to change it.
We think that people SHOULD
be able to walk away from an
"impossible" life situation... yet they
stay while nothing changes.
Just like we think that people
SHOULD voluntarily quit that
super stressful job that's driving
them crazy ... killing them even...
and go get something new ... yet they stay and don't do anything different.
"Learned Helplessness" is one
of the most invisible forms of
resignation there is because
we really have given up ... we
behave like there is simply no
hope and therefore we do nothing
about our unpleasant situation.
We tend to have all kinds of
"reasons" why we don't make
change but what we can't see,
is that it is our own resignation
that is really stopping us.
The good news is that it doesn't
have to stay this way.
The way off this path of confusion
is awareness.
Be willing to look for the
strengths you bring to your
relationship, to challenge your
belief that nothing can be done
about your situation and to focus
on what you want for your life
and your future.
Recognize that you absolutely
deserve to feel good in your
marriage and know that just
because you haven't been
able to figure out how to make
it work the way you want it to ...
... doesn't mean that it can't
work the way you want it to.
Find YOUR way out of "Learned
Helplessness" by actually taking
the first step.
You don't have to do it by yourself
... how could you... ...if you could,
you wouldn't be struggling.
Here's what you have to do ...
...you have to recognize that there
are others that can help you and
your relationship...if you let them.
I've been there myself ... and
since then I have dedicated the
last 14 years of my life showing
100's of couples just like you
exactly what it takes to
transform an unhealthy, complacent
relationship to one of vibrancy,
good energy and deep connection.
The "Between Men and Women"
Couples Communication Retreat
can get you there, like it has for so
many others.
In the retreat we go right "underneath" communication ...I effectively get to the heart of what makes for healthy relating in such a way that no one is ever made wrong or judged ...
... and at the same time I show you exactly how your connection went off the rails in such a way that defensiveness is not an issue AND your partner "gets" their part... not only that, but what to DO moving forward.
Let me tell you about Michele and Marc Henley from Sturgeon Creek, Ab..
Michele was freaked out about whether or not this was going to work for them.
After over 20 years of marriage, they were now separated and her husband was pretty resistant coming into this.
He was in a state of "Learned Helplessness" and didn't think they could really do anything about their situation.
Before the retreat she expressed her concern that Marc was either going to totally "blow me off", fall asleep during the retreat or what she really thought was going to happen was that he was going to flat out get up and leave ... she was THAT worried.
Read what her husband Marc wrote to us, after his retreat:
"I certainly was leery about this experience. In the end, I wish I had done this even prior to my marriage. This was a very simple yet effective approach for us to dramatically improve and save my marriage."
Here's what Michele wrote:
"I really needed some tools to reconnect and restart. I learned how to generate "fuel" for my spouse ... how to keep him fully present to and with me. I feel heard and honored by my husband and I can feel and see his body and mind relax like never before. He received such clarity and understanding. I can finally just rest ... I feel heard and don't have the projections and judgments from him because of this mutual shared experience."
And of course, they are back together living in the same house again.
So ... the next couple's retreats are
happening in Canmore on March 23-24th
and then again in Canmore on April 27-28th.
As of today, we have room for 4 more couples for the March 23-24th weekend.
If you're not sure that the "Between Men
And Women" Couple's Communication
Retreat is for you and you'd like to
have a conversation to get more
information, click this link to my calendar to set up a phone call with me.
If you've been struggling for awhile
Or ... you can just call me at 403 455-9351 and we can talk.
When you set up a call to talk to
me you are absolutely not obligated to anything.
People are calling me all the time to check out how this thing works...
... very rarely do folks just come forward to put themselves into something like this without wanting to have a conversation.
I realize that this may be a big
move for many people and you
will want to know if this program
is truly a fit for you, your partner
and the situation you are dealing
with.
Click here to set up a "no charge", absolutely no strings attached
conversation ... you tell me your
situation and I'll tell you right off
the bat what I see.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Remember ... you CAN make a
difference ... you CAN do something
... you aren't as helpless as you night feel.
I promise.
Donna Tosky
Couple's "Love Coach"
www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com
403 4559351
PS You have until Monday midnight to take advantage of the $100 cash discount along with the "How To Avoid Communication Catastrophes" Mini Course.
| 
