Hi Friend,
Whether you just did a couple's
retreat with me this past weekend or if you participated way back in the beginning almost 15 years ago, we can ALL use reminders.
There was a lot that was discussed over the two days of the retreat but the biggest thing that will help you as you move forward is:
Keep practicing a positive/constructive energetic exchange that acts as fuel for one another and for you two as a unit.
Remember the "Sacred Circuit" and practice it!
Understand, honor and practice this because ...
... If you don't have this type of an exchange going on, you will either have a hostile (negative) exchange or there will be NO exchange (you'll simply be ignoring one another).
Both of those options ... "negative exchange or no exchange" will kill your connection and your marriage.
Here's what I really want you to hear in this email ...
It's not ONLY the negative stuff that kills us ...
It's the lack of highlighting the positive stuff that also leaves our marriage/relationship vulnerable and at risk.
I remember clearly what one participant said in his retreat years ago ... "This is all fine and good but it's much more than positive thinking" and he was absolutely right ....
... you have to DO something positive/ constructive, if you are struggling AND you have to DO something positive/ constructive even if you aren't struggling... (this is where the Sacred Circuit counts for so much).
In fact, research shows that in the area of marriage, those couples that make it to the Deep Connection stage ... (the stage that comes after the Disillusionment/ Conflict stage, where 80% of all couples are stuck)...
... make a POINT of "taking positive action".
This is one of the big reasons WHY those couples make it to the safe, secure stage.
They take the action that gets them there... ....every single day.
So ... referring to something I talk about in the retreat these days ... to make it work, you have to honor the "Parieto Principle" (or 80/20 Rule) of marriage.
It looks like this:
1) There are a small number of things that have to be stopped because they simply sabotage us and our marriage in a BIG way ... (criticism, living in the past, judgment, blame and assuming the worst about our partner)
...and...
2) There are a small number of things that should be included and honored simply because they work to promote and sustain our connection in a BIG way ... (be present, listen for what your partner wants & needs from you).
***remember ... a woman wants to know she will get her man's attention, is cherished, safe and that her man will "move" for her ....
***remember... a man wants to know he is valued, appreciated and respected for what he does and brings to the marriage/relationship and that she believes in him)
These days in the retreat I speak about the 4 characteristics that researchers have shown that when present, signal that divorce is inevitable, IF there is no intervention.
The 4 characteristics in a marriage/ long term relationship that signal divorce is coming are:
1) criticism 2) contempt 3) defensive 4) stonewalling ----------------------------------------------- So...what can you do to help yourself and your partner?
1) Practicing being present, grounded and "in your body" when you have a conversation with your partner.
2) Stop taking everything your partner says personally and just listen for their "feeling experience" and listen for what they want.
3) Learn about ways to calm your reactive "lizard" brain so that you can truly show up to listen.
4) Have you considered meditating on a regular basis? Mindfulness has been proven to help us be present in our day to day conversations.
5) Be willing to find and consider your part when there is a breakdown in your communication/relationship ...
... that is ...
do you have anything to do with any of it?
... and when you see your part, be willing to acknowledge it and share that with your spouse.
Could your part be something as simple as you, over reacting to what your partner has been trying to tell you?
6) Look for points of approval and
appreciation and verbally share those with one another.
Don't skip over or make light of the "good" stuff ... in fact ...make a big deal about anything good you can find. Go get the good!
7) Soften up and pay attention to the quality of your "tone" every single time you open your mouth to speak to your partner ...
... I repeat ... every single time!
Be willing to watch yourself ... ... like a HAWK!
Before you open your mouth... ask yourself this. "what is my tone?".
8) Honor your word and your promises... do what you said you would do.
9) Be careful that you don't spend all of your energy trying to "fix" the past. Rather, begin to practice that which is positive... ...THEN when you have some wind under your sails you can go back and take a look at what you think may have happened and here's how to do that:
Step 1 Acknowledge the facts about
what happened Step 2 Find and acknowledge your part Step 3 Apologize for your part Step 4 Ask your partner... is there anything I can do to help make you feel safe and secure NOW moving forward? -----------------------------------------------
Okay ... well THAT was a mouthful and a l-o-n-g email.
Just so you know, Jason and I are holding a 'No Charge" information session in Calgary on April 8th from 7pm - 9pm and if you are in the Calgary area, we'd love for you to invite your friends and family and why don't you come and join us for a "refresher", if you'd like to come down ... we'd LOVE to have you.
Remember ... eight out of ten couples are struggling with their communication/ relationship and I bet you know lots of people that could benefit from the evening. It's time we started talking about this and begin to help one another.
Feel free to share this link with your friends and family and they can register join us on April 8th where we will share some of the distinctions that you yourself learned in the retreat.
Take care and I will talk to you soon.
To Your Greatness!
Donna Tosky "Queen Of Connection", Couple's Love Coach 403 455-9351
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