Hi Friend,
I hope your summer has been going well! I just wanted to touch base with a quick tip that could save you a lot of needless arguing and tension. If you've taken the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop, consider this a reminder. If you haven't, and if the following resonates with you, we hope you will consider joining us on July 25-26. Here are links to all the details:
Several years ago, Jason and I took a self-development course. One of the main teaching points or messages was that people are "meaning-making machines". We give meaning to virtually everything that happens to us, to virtually everything that others say to us, and to virtually everything that we see.
And when we give it meaning, there is often judgement attached...either about ourselves or the other person.
For example, she asks him to take the garbage out, and he doesn't do it, or he forgets. She could make that mean he is irresponsible and selfish, or turn it back on herself and make it mean that she isn't loved or worth making the effort for. This sort of dynamic is why "making meaning" means trouble for a lot of couples.
The great news is that how this goes is often up to you. In her book Everyday Grace, Marianne Williamson was writing about relationships and said,
"It was up to me whether to attach meaning to what someone says or doesn't say, or release it as not important."
That choice is yours. In the example above, she could make it mean something about him, make it mean something about her, or let it go and make it mean nothing other than the garbage wasn't taken out.
And, yes, sometimes choosing to let something go, or to clarify what was actually said, is really hard! And sometimes there is so much history that your conclusions seem like the only option given all the evidence you have or think you have.
Whenever possible, however, pausing before you respond to what you think you just heard can save a lot of grief. The next time your partner says or does something, and you feel yourself about to make them wrong, pause for a minute to ask yourself one of the following:
- Did he/she actually say what I think they said, or am I putting words in their mouth?
- Did he/she actually mean what I think they meant, or am I adding my interpretation?
- Is the meaning I'm giving to what was just said/did true, or is there anything else that he/she could have meant by it?
- Is the argument that's on the horizon worth it, or could I just let it go and move on?
- Is there actually some truth in what he/she said about me? Is there something there I need to look at? Am I contributing to this breakdown in some way?
Taking a few minutes to pause can mean the difference between hearing or clarifying what was actually said, and responding thoughtfully and productively; or making something mean something else, and generating an argument that could last for days.
When you understand your partner, you are more likely to know where they are coming from, and less likely to interpret what they say inaccurately. That sort of understanding is exactly what you can expect from the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop on July 25-26.
As always, if you have any questions about the workshop or if you want to find out if its right for you, please phone me at 403-455-9351 or email donna@BetweenMenAndWomen.com .
If you are ready to join us, you can register immediately online using this link:
To Your Greatness!
Donna 1 403 455-951
ps I'd love to hear from you...:-))) | 
