Hi Friend,
I've said it over and over again...Jason and I are no different than anyone else. Just like you, we argue. We get "weird". We get "triggered" and in this email, I'm going to tell you exactly what we do to squelch "fighting" in it's tracks.
Luckily, in our 13 years together, we've had the "SPARK Communication Success Model", as well as other learnings, to help us to have the great relationship that we do.
But as I said, weirdness shows up every so often, like the other day. The details aren't important. Basically, I said something to Jason, and he responded. His response (which he later admitted didn't make much sense) triggered defensiveness in me. My response triggered Jason. Consequently, now both our amygdala's (fight or flight part of the brain) were poised for a showdown.
So here's what we did and you can do it too.
STEP #1 - Reflect and regain self control Firstly, to be honest, our firing amygdala's pulled us both into a brief tit-for-tat exchange that we needed to get a handle on. We both got defensive and a little offensive. Thankfully, that part didn't last long. Resisting the urge to go over the top with defensiveness or offensiveness when things get tense can be hard. If you "get into it" be kind to yourself and let yourself SLOW DOWN. In fact, that's the BEST time to simply stop talking. Why? Because it's likely that nothing constructive will come out of your mouth anyway. And if I don't stop talking voluntarily Jason will remind me by saying something like "I don't like where this is going ... I think we should just stop talking for awhile". SO smart!
STEP #2 - Take some time for yourself It often helps to tell your partner, "I need some time alone just to calm down, and I'll be back in 30 minutes." The time alone can help with the rest of the steps. The important things here are to TELL your partner you're leaving the room .... instead of just leaving the room AND you tell your partner when you will be back. This last piece is often missing for people when they take some time to go and calm down.
STEP #3 - Get your part Try to identify what triggered you. For Jason, he often gets triggered when he interprets something I say as meaning that he doesn't know what he is doing. For me, like a lot of women, I get triggered when I feel like something that's important to me hasn't been handled properly such that I can feel safe and at ease with it. Identifying your own triggers lets you acknowledge your role in whatever happened and gives you access to forgiving yourself.
STEP #4 - Try to understand your partner Try to imagine what might have triggered your partner. This is in direct contrast from judging or making them wrong. Yes...it's the exact opposite from "ruminating". It's about understanding and empathizing. After our little spat, I asked Jason the next day why he said what he said. It helped me to see that while what he said may not have made sense, in the moment, that he said it was the best he could do. When you are clear about what's going on with yourself and with your partner, you see that you're both just trying to do the best you can and that whatever happened between you isn't personal. It might even be something that's stacked on top of things that happened before you two even met.
STEP #5 - Forgive Forgive yourself and your partner. Forgiveness isn't about admitting defeat. It's simply acknowledging that "I'm okay and you're okay", which opens space for you to give and receive again.
I hope that simple process helps you to defuse arguments quickly and even help to prevent them altogether. For more techniques, strategies and a deeper understanding of one another that can open up new possibilities for connection, trust and fun in your relationship, I hope you'll join us next weekend - August 29-30 - for the next "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop.
Questions? Please call 403-455-9351 or email donna@betweenmenandwomen.com to set up a time to chat.
To Your Greatness! Donna
P.S. The August 29-30 workshop will be the last chance to attend the workshop at the current special COVID price of $397 plus GST per couple. Starting in September, the price increases to $497 plus GST per couple and will continue to gradually increase to the pre-COVID price over the next several months. Take advantage of the lower rate and join us on August 29-30! Click here to register.
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